So its time for one of those way overdone and completely cliche new years posts:
So happy new years people, and lets hope to whatever is out there that its better than the last.
I enter into this year knowing that this was the last year that I was a child till the end and next year I will be off to college, and starting to pave my own way, its quite sad really. Im also dissapointed at how few of my friends I got to see one last time before next year.
So I have party to go to tonight, and then I'm spending the rest of the night with my girlfriend sister and then 2 other friends. It should be fun I suppose
Well anyway, a new years checklist, maybe if I post it I will actually keep it for once:
1. I need to start working out, even if its just push ups and sit ups before bed every night, i want to have some form of visible muscle by summer
2. I need to start reading a lot more, I've been falling behind recently, I am going to finnish at least 2 books every month, 4 if they're shorter
3. I'm going to admit something to someone I've been friends with for a long time something I should have old them a long time ago, and now its almost too late
4. I'm going to work on my nerd-cred
Friday, December 31, 2010
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
communication
So, I have communication issues and I guess I want to talk about them to find other peoples opinions on them and whatnot. however, there are a few different ones and idk if they all fall under the category of communication but here it goes.
1. The first and most obvious a being easily misunderstood. I find that I will often say something, thinking it makes perfect sense only to then find out how easily misconstrued it is. The most recent example of this is on my formspring a few days ago where I was asked if I thought scars were attractive. i responded with
"no, however how the affect my perception is different. Physically I find it hard to find a scar appealing, however It wouldn't matter to me in the slightest as long as they aren't self inflicted. I find self inflicted scars disgusting and repulsive"
I thought that this clearly said that I find self inflicted scars repulsive, not the people or anything like that, but then I was yelled at for all sorts of things about how I was making fun of people who have resorted to hurting themselves, which I wasn't, I find the scars themselves disgusting, and it was that perception which was the only thing the stopped me from resorting to that method of release when I had tough times in middle school, if you want to see the whole argument its here MY FORMSPRING But anyway, this happens quite frequently and idk how to fix the problem. I will just say things and later be pointed out to saying that that was really rude, or i would be told that someone thought I meant something completely different. This happens with teachers and friends and all sorts of things.
2. I have insecurities of my grasp of conversation. Like if i'm given a number or adress or something I get worried if its correct and check 8 or 9 times, it probably has something to do with a fear of failure. Its one of the reasons I hate calling people because I have no idea what to do if I called the wrong number. Or same with times and dates, I'll check them so many times and still get stressed out on the way there because I start thinking what if I got it wrong? I would have wasted gas and my parents time and all sorts of things. This is why I hate being told to do something cause I'm always worried that I'll have gotten the message wrong and something getting screwed up will be all my fault.
3. I'm sure other people have dealt with this one, never knowing how to argue a point until after the argument is over. Especially things about relationships, I will never know how to say something or what to say until an hour or two later, but oh well, nothing much I can do about that, I guess its sort of like stage fright.
4. Arguments, I feel a need to win them. One of my friends has been flipping at me a lot recently for this, and so did the person on formspring so I think they are probably one in the same, but whenever I contradict him he'll just say "Wow Trevor, you really cant stand losing an argument can you?" Part of it has to do with the fact that he gets aggravated really quickly, but that doesn't mean that the point is null. Other people point this out to me quite frequently and I don't know why I do it. I really like arguing and that has to do with it suppose, I don't like letting arguments die even if I'm losing, because its fun to try to come up with loopholes and whatnot, its a good form of mental stimulation in my mind. I guess its also because I don't like people to think me unintelligent so I will always try to defend a point I made. But I guess this sort of falls back into the first category, and I try to stop, but its a habit that's been building for a lifetime.
5. Joking, I always seem to have trouble with joking, not necessarily taking a joke, though there are examples of me taking things to an unnecessary extreme, see April fools day 2009, but people tend to think I'm serious when I'm joking, possibly cause my jokes aren't funny, or yet again the first category, but still, it gets aggravating. For example there is a counselor at camp who I made a joke to my first year on staff about burning the flag, but he thought I was serious and my entire second year on staff he kept hating on me because he is very patriotic, hes going into the army and whatnot. Once he found out about my navy plans he seemed to lighten up though.
6... well I'm sure I have plenty more errors with my communication, such as people thinking I dislike them, leading to their dislike of me, see example Hathaway, or my failure at misportraying affection and whatnot, but please feel free to point this stuff out to me, I try to fix it, its just not the easiest thing to do.
1. The first and most obvious a being easily misunderstood. I find that I will often say something, thinking it makes perfect sense only to then find out how easily misconstrued it is. The most recent example of this is on my formspring a few days ago where I was asked if I thought scars were attractive. i responded with
"no, however how the affect my perception is different. Physically I find it hard to find a scar appealing, however It wouldn't matter to me in the slightest as long as they aren't self inflicted. I find self inflicted scars disgusting and repulsive"
I thought that this clearly said that I find self inflicted scars repulsive, not the people or anything like that, but then I was yelled at for all sorts of things about how I was making fun of people who have resorted to hurting themselves, which I wasn't, I find the scars themselves disgusting, and it was that perception which was the only thing the stopped me from resorting to that method of release when I had tough times in middle school, if you want to see the whole argument its here MY FORMSPRING But anyway, this happens quite frequently and idk how to fix the problem. I will just say things and later be pointed out to saying that that was really rude, or i would be told that someone thought I meant something completely different. This happens with teachers and friends and all sorts of things.
2. I have insecurities of my grasp of conversation. Like if i'm given a number or adress or something I get worried if its correct and check 8 or 9 times, it probably has something to do with a fear of failure. Its one of the reasons I hate calling people because I have no idea what to do if I called the wrong number. Or same with times and dates, I'll check them so many times and still get stressed out on the way there because I start thinking what if I got it wrong? I would have wasted gas and my parents time and all sorts of things. This is why I hate being told to do something cause I'm always worried that I'll have gotten the message wrong and something getting screwed up will be all my fault.
3. I'm sure other people have dealt with this one, never knowing how to argue a point until after the argument is over. Especially things about relationships, I will never know how to say something or what to say until an hour or two later, but oh well, nothing much I can do about that, I guess its sort of like stage fright.
4. Arguments, I feel a need to win them. One of my friends has been flipping at me a lot recently for this, and so did the person on formspring so I think they are probably one in the same, but whenever I contradict him he'll just say "Wow Trevor, you really cant stand losing an argument can you?" Part of it has to do with the fact that he gets aggravated really quickly, but that doesn't mean that the point is null. Other people point this out to me quite frequently and I don't know why I do it. I really like arguing and that has to do with it suppose, I don't like letting arguments die even if I'm losing, because its fun to try to come up with loopholes and whatnot, its a good form of mental stimulation in my mind. I guess its also because I don't like people to think me unintelligent so I will always try to defend a point I made. But I guess this sort of falls back into the first category, and I try to stop, but its a habit that's been building for a lifetime.
5. Joking, I always seem to have trouble with joking, not necessarily taking a joke, though there are examples of me taking things to an unnecessary extreme, see April fools day 2009, but people tend to think I'm serious when I'm joking, possibly cause my jokes aren't funny, or yet again the first category, but still, it gets aggravating. For example there is a counselor at camp who I made a joke to my first year on staff about burning the flag, but he thought I was serious and my entire second year on staff he kept hating on me because he is very patriotic, hes going into the army and whatnot. Once he found out about my navy plans he seemed to lighten up though.
6... well I'm sure I have plenty more errors with my communication, such as people thinking I dislike them, leading to their dislike of me, see example Hathaway, or my failure at misportraying affection and whatnot, but please feel free to point this stuff out to me, I try to fix it, its just not the easiest thing to do.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Christmas
I realized something last night, this will be a last Christmas. It will be my parents last Christmas with kids in the house, my last Christmas living at home, but worst of all, this will be my last time having Christmas as a child. It's so different from what I remember, when I was a child the room would be filled from wall to wall with a bunch of cheap toys that could entertain me for hours if not days and then one big ticket item, now there's just a few presents scattered about. We hung the mantel just a few hours ago and we have these little Disney character lights that we wrap around them and once we got the mantle up christen asked if I wanted to go through the extra effort to put the lights up. I said that this is my last Christmas as a child, and I'm going to be one as much as I can, so we hung the lights.
I'm not the same person I was last year, nor the year before, but i still cringe whenever I realize how different everything is. Childhood really is a blessing, being able to do so much with so little responsibility, and I feel that its wasted now, soon enough I will be supporting myself with an job and trying to figure out how the rest of my life will be spent.
It reminds me of the 10th doctors final lines, when he is about to switch from Tennant to Smith, he knows he's about to change, but when the doctor regenerates he is no longer the same person, for all intents and purposes the man he was dies. he simply says "I don't want to go" I dont want things to change, but I guess new adventures will come along and a new me will always find a different way of looking at things
Oh and merry Christmas or happy holidays
I'm not the same person I was last year, nor the year before, but i still cringe whenever I realize how different everything is. Childhood really is a blessing, being able to do so much with so little responsibility, and I feel that its wasted now, soon enough I will be supporting myself with an job and trying to figure out how the rest of my life will be spent.
It reminds me of the 10th doctors final lines, when he is about to switch from Tennant to Smith, he knows he's about to change, but when the doctor regenerates he is no longer the same person, for all intents and purposes the man he was dies. he simply says "I don't want to go" I dont want things to change, but I guess new adventures will come along and a new me will always find a different way of looking at things
Oh and merry Christmas or happy holidays
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Alcohol
For those who know me you probably already know that I am very opposed to drugs, or any form of anything that weakens ones control over their own body, actions, or thought. I have only had one sip of alcohol ever, and that's when I was 7 and stole a sip of dads beer to see what it tasted like. I have never tried any form of drug, and the idea of it disgusts me. Now I bring this up because these things are some of my basic characteristics, and things that have come into question in my life recently.
I only bring up drugs because I wish to explain my fear of them. I like to call myself an intellectual, and I believe the main purpose of life is though. Your thought controls everything you do, and I feel that when you take drugs you lose control of your thought, losing control of yourself in the process. I don't know where this feeling originated, seeing how i know one of my sisters has done drugs, a story I will elaborate on in a moment, and I know some of my cousins and their significant others do drugs, but this is shared by both me and my twin sister, we both hate drugs and never intend on trying them, and the same goes for drinking.
When I was younger my oldest sister was caught with pot in school, and all 3 of my older sisters stared drinking before they were 21, my only assumption can be that as Kristen and I grew up we saw them, their actions, and their consequences and we realized that that isn't how we want our lives, and we equated drugs and alcohol with their problems.
I lose respect for anyone who I find out is doing drugs, and until recently I tried to avoid those people in general, though the more I hang out with my cousins that harder that is to avoid.
As for alcohol, until recently I felt the same way as I did about drugs. I tried to stay away from drinkers, and I hated the idea, but then once I started hanging out at the farm I got to know some people who are a lot of fun even though they drink, and then I found out that some of my friends drink. These are friends who I had always held in high esteem and though of them as intellectuals. I started to question my beliefs, maybe drinking really wasn't that bad. When a friend that I like started to drink in front of me, and having told me how she had drank before along with other things I never would have expected, I had my weakest moment. This was the first time in my life that I had seriously considered drinking, even if it was only to get buzzed. I guess i just looked at her and though well how could anything that shes doing be anywhere near as wrong as I thought, I simply couldn't imagine it. Fortunately my sister and another friend were there and they were able to keep me from drinking, which I am happy about.
However I still don't know what I think anymore, I mean initially I lost respect for them, but then I realized that these are still the exact same people who I've been hanging out with, and its not like their drinking had affected our friendships. I still don't intend on starting to drink any time soon, and Kristen and I have made a pact that our first drink shall be together, but my beliefs have been shaken. I dont know how to feel about it anymore. I still care about my friends in the exact same way, but I still have that same fear of not being myself. So in general I try to avoid the subject and just ignore it when people do it around me.
However, recently my girlfriend and I have started to fight about this because she drinks fairly often and whenever she does I get annoyed or just unresponsive. This is really the only problem I have with her, and everything else is great, and I know that eventually I'll have to accept the people around me drinking anyway because there's no way I'll survive in the real world if I shun everybody that drinks. So this is what I'm lost and confused about now.
Some of my friends drink, others do drugs, and I don't know where to draw the line anymore, what I can accept, what I should be able to accept, what I should do. I always figured that my friends had that same ideas about it that I did, but I was wrong and now i'm in the labyrinth alone, and I need to figure the way ut that has the best result.
I only bring up drugs because I wish to explain my fear of them. I like to call myself an intellectual, and I believe the main purpose of life is though. Your thought controls everything you do, and I feel that when you take drugs you lose control of your thought, losing control of yourself in the process. I don't know where this feeling originated, seeing how i know one of my sisters has done drugs, a story I will elaborate on in a moment, and I know some of my cousins and their significant others do drugs, but this is shared by both me and my twin sister, we both hate drugs and never intend on trying them, and the same goes for drinking.
When I was younger my oldest sister was caught with pot in school, and all 3 of my older sisters stared drinking before they were 21, my only assumption can be that as Kristen and I grew up we saw them, their actions, and their consequences and we realized that that isn't how we want our lives, and we equated drugs and alcohol with their problems.
I lose respect for anyone who I find out is doing drugs, and until recently I tried to avoid those people in general, though the more I hang out with my cousins that harder that is to avoid.
As for alcohol, until recently I felt the same way as I did about drugs. I tried to stay away from drinkers, and I hated the idea, but then once I started hanging out at the farm I got to know some people who are a lot of fun even though they drink, and then I found out that some of my friends drink. These are friends who I had always held in high esteem and though of them as intellectuals. I started to question my beliefs, maybe drinking really wasn't that bad. When a friend that I like started to drink in front of me, and having told me how she had drank before along with other things I never would have expected, I had my weakest moment. This was the first time in my life that I had seriously considered drinking, even if it was only to get buzzed. I guess i just looked at her and though well how could anything that shes doing be anywhere near as wrong as I thought, I simply couldn't imagine it. Fortunately my sister and another friend were there and they were able to keep me from drinking, which I am happy about.
However I still don't know what I think anymore, I mean initially I lost respect for them, but then I realized that these are still the exact same people who I've been hanging out with, and its not like their drinking had affected our friendships. I still don't intend on starting to drink any time soon, and Kristen and I have made a pact that our first drink shall be together, but my beliefs have been shaken. I dont know how to feel about it anymore. I still care about my friends in the exact same way, but I still have that same fear of not being myself. So in general I try to avoid the subject and just ignore it when people do it around me.
However, recently my girlfriend and I have started to fight about this because she drinks fairly often and whenever she does I get annoyed or just unresponsive. This is really the only problem I have with her, and everything else is great, and I know that eventually I'll have to accept the people around me drinking anyway because there's no way I'll survive in the real world if I shun everybody that drinks. So this is what I'm lost and confused about now.
Some of my friends drink, others do drugs, and I don't know where to draw the line anymore, what I can accept, what I should be able to accept, what I should do. I always figured that my friends had that same ideas about it that I did, but I was wrong and now i'm in the labyrinth alone, and I need to figure the way ut that has the best result.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Imposter
So I felt this needed a separate post due to its much more serious nature. I went to a wake today with my girlfriend. It was for a 19 year old man who died on the 13th when he lost control of his car on ice and hit a tree, he died in the hospital. I never knew him, Even now I cant remember his name, I was only there so my girlfriend wouldn't be alone. I was there surrounded by his family and so many people crying, I walked up to the coffin with my girlfriend and I just stood there looking at the young man in the coffin, barely older than I am, who still had every right to be a live. I felt like an impostor. I didn't belong there all these people knew him, had cared about him, and expected him to be around so much longer.
When I walked up to the coffin I could only think one thing "I never knew you, I have no idea what your story was and now I never will, and no one will know how it was supposed to end, on this shorty beginning that was taken away so abruptly." His story wont be finished, and its not fair, not to him, his friends, his family, not to anyone, but it is and it cant be changed.
The wake brought back memories of my grandfathers funeral this summer, but I just felt so weird the entire time, knowing I didn't belong there, I had no idea who the you man in the coffin was, I felt disrespectful for walking in there and acting like i was part of this.
I don't ever want to be an impostor again, I don't want to lie about knowing someones story, I just wish that I could go back to the days of innocence where a funeral meant nothing because you couldn't yet grasp the concept of death, of being gone, of forever.
When I walked up to the coffin I could only think one thing "I never knew you, I have no idea what your story was and now I never will, and no one will know how it was supposed to end, on this shorty beginning that was taken away so abruptly." His story wont be finished, and its not fair, not to him, his friends, his family, not to anyone, but it is and it cant be changed.
The wake brought back memories of my grandfathers funeral this summer, but I just felt so weird the entire time, knowing I didn't belong there, I had no idea who the you man in the coffin was, I felt disrespectful for walking in there and acting like i was part of this.
I don't ever want to be an impostor again, I don't want to lie about knowing someones story, I just wish that I could go back to the days of innocence where a funeral meant nothing because you couldn't yet grasp the concept of death, of being gone, of forever.
ahh, wonderful x-mas season
Yes, i purposefully say x-mas 1. because of futurama's awesomeness and 2. because i have long since been disgusted with how this holiday is all about consumerism and buying peoples love. I mean, hell, Jesus was supposedly born in the spring, the only reason we chose this time was because it coincided with other major holidays, like Yule a pagan festival for men, that involved a large number of drunken homosexual orgies, just thing of that sometime tries to sing you their "yule-tide carol"
so yeah, consumerism, I was in the mall till 11 last night buying gifts for my girlfriend and family, not because I wanted to be but because my parents are my only form of transportation and they had to get their shopping done. On a brighter note, I picked out a laptop that they purchased, which is awesome, so hopefully it will be a good holiday season. and tomorrow is cookie day. Basically most of my moms half of the family will come over to our house and we will spend ours making and decorating sugar cookies, gingerbread cookies (my favorite), peanut butter cookies and many many more. It should be awesome, I love working with the dough and frosting.
So I'm really curious, what are your peoples holiday plans? I mean I know what we do, we just gather at one of my parents siblings houses, exchange presents, then hang out for a few hours, but what do you guys do? have any traditions or just the same old boring holiday break? speaking of which, I hope I'm not bored to death over break, I need to make plans and by that I mean see more than just my family and girlfriend over break
so yeah, consumerism, I was in the mall till 11 last night buying gifts for my girlfriend and family, not because I wanted to be but because my parents are my only form of transportation and they had to get their shopping done. On a brighter note, I picked out a laptop that they purchased, which is awesome, so hopefully it will be a good holiday season. and tomorrow is cookie day. Basically most of my moms half of the family will come over to our house and we will spend ours making and decorating sugar cookies, gingerbread cookies (my favorite), peanut butter cookies and many many more. It should be awesome, I love working with the dough and frosting.
So I'm really curious, what are your peoples holiday plans? I mean I know what we do, we just gather at one of my parents siblings houses, exchange presents, then hang out for a few hours, but what do you guys do? have any traditions or just the same old boring holiday break? speaking of which, I hope I'm not bored to death over break, I need to make plans and by that I mean see more than just my family and girlfriend over break
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Paganism
I guess it's time for my 2nd religious of the month because I'm awesome like that. So remember my last one about deism and whatnot? about how I believe that there is a god who has moved on to better things than us and all that? well that's still what I believe, but I learned quite a bit about paganism this weekend. For those who have no belief in the paranormal, or to a much less extent than this I apologize, I don't know what I believe yet, though I am certain there are ghosts and demons out there, other things like creatures of the fey(sp) I'm not so sure of yet.
Back story
this weekend I went up to the farm, aka the non functioning farm owned by my cousin Chris' family. We have parties up there from time to time, there were 15 of us there this time and by the end of the night all but 3 of us were drunk but oh well, i cant rant about my dislike of alcohol some other time, at least there weren't any other drugs this time. But last about a 1 minute walk from the farm is a family graveyard dating back to 1793, Chris is related to everyone buried in the graveyard and he takes care of it.
last time we were there I heard a few of them talking about George, and how he was getting angry. Apparently whenever people come to the graveyard George stands on the rise by the entrance and watches them, sometimes moving about, and he was really angry, and that's why he couldn't move on. So Donovan decided that this time they would do a ritual to make George move on.
the event
When we got to the farm we set a ring of candles around the house. We put 12 people inside the ring and then the 4 at the north south east and west corners said a prayer summoning the guardians of the towers of the north south east and west, one for each element. Then we finished the circle of protection around the house. This was to keep anything angry from getting at the people inside the circle. The four people who planned this then left the circle to go to the graveyard where they made another circle and started their thing to dismiss George, I don't know most of what happened up there.
An hour later they came back, they sprinted down the hill and pounded on the door till we unlocked it and let them in, a few people claimed they heard screams. They told us that there was something else in the graveyard that attacked them once they started talking to George, it was taking the souls int he graveyard apparently, they couldn't get rid of it and that's why they ran back as soon as their task was done. Jack, Chris' brother, then went outside to blow out all the candles. He cam back in once he finished and told us that he heard children laughing outside, i wanted to go out but Donovan and the others were really stressed out and said not to tempt spirits. But later when we looked back outside a few of the candles were re lit, needless to say we were a little sketched out because no one went outside after jack had blown them all out.
Later, Donovan felt the circle crumbling the thing was trying to break through and Donovan was breaking down and crying. Chris and 3 others went back up to the graveyard to try to fight this thing off to help Donovan. When they came back they were literally carrying Amanda, she had fainted and was only semi-concise.
Apparently while in the graveyard she saw the thing as it truly was and it started attacking her, a piece of it was inside of her when they banished it and thus we spent the next few hours helping her, trying to get it out of her.
I know it sounds crazy but she was in serious pain, her body wasn't listening to her and she was having trouble doing anything. it was really scary for me, because this was the closest to proof of paranormal I've seen first hand.
Well anyway, during this time I asked lots of questions about the things they were doing and listened to their conversations. I learned quite a bit about paganism from them, about how everything exists as long as it is believed, about Egyptian, Norse, Hindu, and even christian Gods. So now I'm going to try to learn more by myself and hopefully Chris will teach me some stuff, but it should be fun.
And if you're a skeptic and don't believe at all I a, curious as to what you think on this whole thing
Back story
this weekend I went up to the farm, aka the non functioning farm owned by my cousin Chris' family. We have parties up there from time to time, there were 15 of us there this time and by the end of the night all but 3 of us were drunk but oh well, i cant rant about my dislike of alcohol some other time, at least there weren't any other drugs this time. But last about a 1 minute walk from the farm is a family graveyard dating back to 1793, Chris is related to everyone buried in the graveyard and he takes care of it.
last time we were there I heard a few of them talking about George, and how he was getting angry. Apparently whenever people come to the graveyard George stands on the rise by the entrance and watches them, sometimes moving about, and he was really angry, and that's why he couldn't move on. So Donovan decided that this time they would do a ritual to make George move on.
the event
When we got to the farm we set a ring of candles around the house. We put 12 people inside the ring and then the 4 at the north south east and west corners said a prayer summoning the guardians of the towers of the north south east and west, one for each element. Then we finished the circle of protection around the house. This was to keep anything angry from getting at the people inside the circle. The four people who planned this then left the circle to go to the graveyard where they made another circle and started their thing to dismiss George, I don't know most of what happened up there.
An hour later they came back, they sprinted down the hill and pounded on the door till we unlocked it and let them in, a few people claimed they heard screams. They told us that there was something else in the graveyard that attacked them once they started talking to George, it was taking the souls int he graveyard apparently, they couldn't get rid of it and that's why they ran back as soon as their task was done. Jack, Chris' brother, then went outside to blow out all the candles. He cam back in once he finished and told us that he heard children laughing outside, i wanted to go out but Donovan and the others were really stressed out and said not to tempt spirits. But later when we looked back outside a few of the candles were re lit, needless to say we were a little sketched out because no one went outside after jack had blown them all out.
Later, Donovan felt the circle crumbling the thing was trying to break through and Donovan was breaking down and crying. Chris and 3 others went back up to the graveyard to try to fight this thing off to help Donovan. When they came back they were literally carrying Amanda, she had fainted and was only semi-concise.
Apparently while in the graveyard she saw the thing as it truly was and it started attacking her, a piece of it was inside of her when they banished it and thus we spent the next few hours helping her, trying to get it out of her.
I know it sounds crazy but she was in serious pain, her body wasn't listening to her and she was having trouble doing anything. it was really scary for me, because this was the closest to proof of paranormal I've seen first hand.
Well anyway, during this time I asked lots of questions about the things they were doing and listened to their conversations. I learned quite a bit about paganism from them, about how everything exists as long as it is believed, about Egyptian, Norse, Hindu, and even christian Gods. So now I'm going to try to learn more by myself and hopefully Chris will teach me some stuff, but it should be fun.
And if you're a skeptic and don't believe at all I a, curious as to what you think on this whole thing
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
contemplation
I always watch the glass, never what passes behind it.
Scenery flows by and people talk in the background.
I know that a major plot is passing
But I cant make myself interested.
There are people in the car, and they never stop talking
They can say words I could never bring myself to
But I am in a trance, not quite asleep
Not listening to what they say to me.
I could feel the wind if they'd only roll the window down
I can the vibrating of a motor rumbling beneath me
I am in the backseat, just listening in
forgotten by the driver and his guest
The scenery through the glass is still pristine and gorgeous
But I never stop thinking as I look through the window
that these lines are only a script
So I change the channel
Scenery flows by and people talk in the background.
I know that a major plot is passing
But I cant make myself interested.
There are people in the car, and they never stop talking
They can say words I could never bring myself to
But I am in a trance, not quite asleep
Not listening to what they say to me.
I could feel the wind if they'd only roll the window down
I can the vibrating of a motor rumbling beneath me
I am in the backseat, just listening in
forgotten by the driver and his guest
The scenery through the glass is still pristine and gorgeous
But I never stop thinking as I look through the window
that these lines are only a script
So I change the channel
what is the plural of Tardis?
Well I'm disappointed because I never ended up doing anything for pretend to be a time traveler day but oh well, there's always next year.
So I guess I'll go watch doctor who or something to celebrate.
Friday shall be fun, we're doing a huge decoration party at my house where we'll set up the lights and tree and everything else then on Saturday its back out to the farm with everyone
Woo, not much else to talk about, I'm not single anymore, as of last night, and 10 seconds after it became "facebook official" one of her friends IM'd me saying don't you dare hurt her, I know you've cheated before, dont pursue her if you don't actually care about her, so that was tons of fun how people still assume the worst of my, but I guess that's just a consequence of my actions.
So I guess I'll go watch doctor who or something to celebrate.
Friday shall be fun, we're doing a huge decoration party at my house where we'll set up the lights and tree and everything else then on Saturday its back out to the farm with everyone
Woo, not much else to talk about, I'm not single anymore, as of last night, and 10 seconds after it became "facebook official" one of her friends IM'd me saying don't you dare hurt her, I know you've cheated before, dont pursue her if you don't actually care about her, so that was tons of fun how people still assume the worst of my, but I guess that's just a consequence of my actions.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Deism
I was sitting in church this morning, it being a regular Sunday morning where between the hours of 11 and 12 I am not in between my covers like any sensible person on a Sunday but at church, and I started to wonder why I was really there.
Now, as most of my friends know I have been unsure of my beliefs for a while, and I don't count myself to be a Holy Roman Catholic, even though I attend a Holy Roman Catholic church almost every Sunday, was baptized and confirmed as a catholic, and have been an alter server for the last 5 or 6 years. Of course I still put catholic on my college applications and any other form because that is always how I've identified myself, ever since I was really young. It was the first belief system I was exposed to and I really don't know if I have the ability to stop myself from identifying with it.
In 9th grade I head the term Deism for the first time and I realized that this was a lot closer to what I actually believed. Deism is the idea that god exists, he created gthe earth and the universe and everything else, but he got tired or sick of his creations and abandoned them, he left to go make something new, something he could be happier with.
However, being brought up catholic, I haven't stopped believing that Jesus was the son of God, and I try to reason with myself saying, well whats to say god wouldn't look back from time to time and try to fix things, after all Deism is referred to as "The Watchmaker Theory" but if a watch is broken you bring it back to the maker to fix it right? I also still pray to a god, that according to my beliefs, wouldn't be listening to me, and of course, I still want to believe in heaven, or some kind of existence after death. I mean, these are the reasons humankind supposedly invented religion in the first place for, right? and Deism doesn't really fix any of these problems.
I remember a few months ago one of my friends asking me why I still prayed and I really had no answer for her, the best thing I could come up with were 1. whats the harm, in case I'm wrong, 2. Because the rest of my family does it during meals too, and 3. I don't want to completely forsake the beliefs I grew up with. But I still wonder about this, I don't really know what I'm doing anymore because I want to believe in a God that's watching over us, keeping us safe and all that, but to me its so much more realistic to believe in a god that has left us for something better.
And my final point on the subject is that what is the point in believing in Deism, I mean Christianity has the whole heaven idea, but for me deism and atheism both end in nothingness, what is the purpose of believing then?
One other thing is that this weekend I started watching the anime The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya. It is quite awesome, funny and very weird, and I definitely intend on finishing it at some point, but I find it really funny how it relates to this discussion. Haruhi is supposedly a God, she created the world we know because she wanted it to exists, and then her wants shaped the world, so things like aliens and people from the future and espers existed, but the plot is that she is growing bored of this world and some aliens, future men, and espers see this and worry that she will abandon this world and create a new one and by leaving she could very well destroy this one, and they cant expose to her that the things she wants to exist really do exists because if they become every day things then she might grow bored of them too and thus the problem recreates itself. So then they go about trying to keep her happy with the world as is, oh and btw she is a high school student so that just makes things even more fun, and a perfectly normal boy is dragged into all this too because she starts to like him.
But yeah, if anyone has anything to say that they think could appease my worrying about my belifs feel free to shoot, not that I really think my problems with it can be solved so easily.
Oh and this wednesday is Pretend to be a Time Traveler Day, its an actualy holiday full of awesome, and hopefully I'll actually participate this year, maybe I'll update with stories
Now, as most of my friends know I have been unsure of my beliefs for a while, and I don't count myself to be a Holy Roman Catholic, even though I attend a Holy Roman Catholic church almost every Sunday, was baptized and confirmed as a catholic, and have been an alter server for the last 5 or 6 years. Of course I still put catholic on my college applications and any other form because that is always how I've identified myself, ever since I was really young. It was the first belief system I was exposed to and I really don't know if I have the ability to stop myself from identifying with it.
In 9th grade I head the term Deism for the first time and I realized that this was a lot closer to what I actually believed. Deism is the idea that god exists, he created gthe earth and the universe and everything else, but he got tired or sick of his creations and abandoned them, he left to go make something new, something he could be happier with.
However, being brought up catholic, I haven't stopped believing that Jesus was the son of God, and I try to reason with myself saying, well whats to say god wouldn't look back from time to time and try to fix things, after all Deism is referred to as "The Watchmaker Theory" but if a watch is broken you bring it back to the maker to fix it right? I also still pray to a god, that according to my beliefs, wouldn't be listening to me, and of course, I still want to believe in heaven, or some kind of existence after death. I mean, these are the reasons humankind supposedly invented religion in the first place for, right? and Deism doesn't really fix any of these problems.
I remember a few months ago one of my friends asking me why I still prayed and I really had no answer for her, the best thing I could come up with were 1. whats the harm, in case I'm wrong, 2. Because the rest of my family does it during meals too, and 3. I don't want to completely forsake the beliefs I grew up with. But I still wonder about this, I don't really know what I'm doing anymore because I want to believe in a God that's watching over us, keeping us safe and all that, but to me its so much more realistic to believe in a god that has left us for something better.
And my final point on the subject is that what is the point in believing in Deism, I mean Christianity has the whole heaven idea, but for me deism and atheism both end in nothingness, what is the purpose of believing then?
One other thing is that this weekend I started watching the anime The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya. It is quite awesome, funny and very weird, and I definitely intend on finishing it at some point, but I find it really funny how it relates to this discussion. Haruhi is supposedly a God, she created the world we know because she wanted it to exists, and then her wants shaped the world, so things like aliens and people from the future and espers existed, but the plot is that she is growing bored of this world and some aliens, future men, and espers see this and worry that she will abandon this world and create a new one and by leaving she could very well destroy this one, and they cant expose to her that the things she wants to exist really do exists because if they become every day things then she might grow bored of them too and thus the problem recreates itself. So then they go about trying to keep her happy with the world as is, oh and btw she is a high school student so that just makes things even more fun, and a perfectly normal boy is dragged into all this too because she starts to like him.
But yeah, if anyone has anything to say that they think could appease my worrying about my belifs feel free to shoot, not that I really think my problems with it can be solved so easily.
Oh and this wednesday is Pretend to be a Time Traveler Day, its an actualy holiday full of awesome, and hopefully I'll actually participate this year, maybe I'll update with stories
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