So its time for one of those way overdone and completely cliche new years posts:
So happy new years people, and lets hope to whatever is out there that its better than the last.
I enter into this year knowing that this was the last year that I was a child till the end and next year I will be off to college, and starting to pave my own way, its quite sad really. Im also dissapointed at how few of my friends I got to see one last time before next year.
So I have party to go to tonight, and then I'm spending the rest of the night with my girlfriend sister and then 2 other friends. It should be fun I suppose
Well anyway, a new years checklist, maybe if I post it I will actually keep it for once:
1. I need to start working out, even if its just push ups and sit ups before bed every night, i want to have some form of visible muscle by summer
2. I need to start reading a lot more, I've been falling behind recently, I am going to finnish at least 2 books every month, 4 if they're shorter
3. I'm going to admit something to someone I've been friends with for a long time something I should have old them a long time ago, and now its almost too late
4. I'm going to work on my nerd-cred
Friday, December 31, 2010
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
communication
So, I have communication issues and I guess I want to talk about them to find other peoples opinions on them and whatnot. however, there are a few different ones and idk if they all fall under the category of communication but here it goes.
1. The first and most obvious a being easily misunderstood. I find that I will often say something, thinking it makes perfect sense only to then find out how easily misconstrued it is. The most recent example of this is on my formspring a few days ago where I was asked if I thought scars were attractive. i responded with
"no, however how the affect my perception is different. Physically I find it hard to find a scar appealing, however It wouldn't matter to me in the slightest as long as they aren't self inflicted. I find self inflicted scars disgusting and repulsive"
I thought that this clearly said that I find self inflicted scars repulsive, not the people or anything like that, but then I was yelled at for all sorts of things about how I was making fun of people who have resorted to hurting themselves, which I wasn't, I find the scars themselves disgusting, and it was that perception which was the only thing the stopped me from resorting to that method of release when I had tough times in middle school, if you want to see the whole argument its here MY FORMSPRING But anyway, this happens quite frequently and idk how to fix the problem. I will just say things and later be pointed out to saying that that was really rude, or i would be told that someone thought I meant something completely different. This happens with teachers and friends and all sorts of things.
2. I have insecurities of my grasp of conversation. Like if i'm given a number or adress or something I get worried if its correct and check 8 or 9 times, it probably has something to do with a fear of failure. Its one of the reasons I hate calling people because I have no idea what to do if I called the wrong number. Or same with times and dates, I'll check them so many times and still get stressed out on the way there because I start thinking what if I got it wrong? I would have wasted gas and my parents time and all sorts of things. This is why I hate being told to do something cause I'm always worried that I'll have gotten the message wrong and something getting screwed up will be all my fault.
3. I'm sure other people have dealt with this one, never knowing how to argue a point until after the argument is over. Especially things about relationships, I will never know how to say something or what to say until an hour or two later, but oh well, nothing much I can do about that, I guess its sort of like stage fright.
4. Arguments, I feel a need to win them. One of my friends has been flipping at me a lot recently for this, and so did the person on formspring so I think they are probably one in the same, but whenever I contradict him he'll just say "Wow Trevor, you really cant stand losing an argument can you?" Part of it has to do with the fact that he gets aggravated really quickly, but that doesn't mean that the point is null. Other people point this out to me quite frequently and I don't know why I do it. I really like arguing and that has to do with it suppose, I don't like letting arguments die even if I'm losing, because its fun to try to come up with loopholes and whatnot, its a good form of mental stimulation in my mind. I guess its also because I don't like people to think me unintelligent so I will always try to defend a point I made. But I guess this sort of falls back into the first category, and I try to stop, but its a habit that's been building for a lifetime.
5. Joking, I always seem to have trouble with joking, not necessarily taking a joke, though there are examples of me taking things to an unnecessary extreme, see April fools day 2009, but people tend to think I'm serious when I'm joking, possibly cause my jokes aren't funny, or yet again the first category, but still, it gets aggravating. For example there is a counselor at camp who I made a joke to my first year on staff about burning the flag, but he thought I was serious and my entire second year on staff he kept hating on me because he is very patriotic, hes going into the army and whatnot. Once he found out about my navy plans he seemed to lighten up though.
6... well I'm sure I have plenty more errors with my communication, such as people thinking I dislike them, leading to their dislike of me, see example Hathaway, or my failure at misportraying affection and whatnot, but please feel free to point this stuff out to me, I try to fix it, its just not the easiest thing to do.
1. The first and most obvious a being easily misunderstood. I find that I will often say something, thinking it makes perfect sense only to then find out how easily misconstrued it is. The most recent example of this is on my formspring a few days ago where I was asked if I thought scars were attractive. i responded with
"no, however how the affect my perception is different. Physically I find it hard to find a scar appealing, however It wouldn't matter to me in the slightest as long as they aren't self inflicted. I find self inflicted scars disgusting and repulsive"
I thought that this clearly said that I find self inflicted scars repulsive, not the people or anything like that, but then I was yelled at for all sorts of things about how I was making fun of people who have resorted to hurting themselves, which I wasn't, I find the scars themselves disgusting, and it was that perception which was the only thing the stopped me from resorting to that method of release when I had tough times in middle school, if you want to see the whole argument its here MY FORMSPRING But anyway, this happens quite frequently and idk how to fix the problem. I will just say things and later be pointed out to saying that that was really rude, or i would be told that someone thought I meant something completely different. This happens with teachers and friends and all sorts of things.
2. I have insecurities of my grasp of conversation. Like if i'm given a number or adress or something I get worried if its correct and check 8 or 9 times, it probably has something to do with a fear of failure. Its one of the reasons I hate calling people because I have no idea what to do if I called the wrong number. Or same with times and dates, I'll check them so many times and still get stressed out on the way there because I start thinking what if I got it wrong? I would have wasted gas and my parents time and all sorts of things. This is why I hate being told to do something cause I'm always worried that I'll have gotten the message wrong and something getting screwed up will be all my fault.
3. I'm sure other people have dealt with this one, never knowing how to argue a point until after the argument is over. Especially things about relationships, I will never know how to say something or what to say until an hour or two later, but oh well, nothing much I can do about that, I guess its sort of like stage fright.
4. Arguments, I feel a need to win them. One of my friends has been flipping at me a lot recently for this, and so did the person on formspring so I think they are probably one in the same, but whenever I contradict him he'll just say "Wow Trevor, you really cant stand losing an argument can you?" Part of it has to do with the fact that he gets aggravated really quickly, but that doesn't mean that the point is null. Other people point this out to me quite frequently and I don't know why I do it. I really like arguing and that has to do with it suppose, I don't like letting arguments die even if I'm losing, because its fun to try to come up with loopholes and whatnot, its a good form of mental stimulation in my mind. I guess its also because I don't like people to think me unintelligent so I will always try to defend a point I made. But I guess this sort of falls back into the first category, and I try to stop, but its a habit that's been building for a lifetime.
5. Joking, I always seem to have trouble with joking, not necessarily taking a joke, though there are examples of me taking things to an unnecessary extreme, see April fools day 2009, but people tend to think I'm serious when I'm joking, possibly cause my jokes aren't funny, or yet again the first category, but still, it gets aggravating. For example there is a counselor at camp who I made a joke to my first year on staff about burning the flag, but he thought I was serious and my entire second year on staff he kept hating on me because he is very patriotic, hes going into the army and whatnot. Once he found out about my navy plans he seemed to lighten up though.
6... well I'm sure I have plenty more errors with my communication, such as people thinking I dislike them, leading to their dislike of me, see example Hathaway, or my failure at misportraying affection and whatnot, but please feel free to point this stuff out to me, I try to fix it, its just not the easiest thing to do.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Christmas
I realized something last night, this will be a last Christmas. It will be my parents last Christmas with kids in the house, my last Christmas living at home, but worst of all, this will be my last time having Christmas as a child. It's so different from what I remember, when I was a child the room would be filled from wall to wall with a bunch of cheap toys that could entertain me for hours if not days and then one big ticket item, now there's just a few presents scattered about. We hung the mantel just a few hours ago and we have these little Disney character lights that we wrap around them and once we got the mantle up christen asked if I wanted to go through the extra effort to put the lights up. I said that this is my last Christmas as a child, and I'm going to be one as much as I can, so we hung the lights.
I'm not the same person I was last year, nor the year before, but i still cringe whenever I realize how different everything is. Childhood really is a blessing, being able to do so much with so little responsibility, and I feel that its wasted now, soon enough I will be supporting myself with an job and trying to figure out how the rest of my life will be spent.
It reminds me of the 10th doctors final lines, when he is about to switch from Tennant to Smith, he knows he's about to change, but when the doctor regenerates he is no longer the same person, for all intents and purposes the man he was dies. he simply says "I don't want to go" I dont want things to change, but I guess new adventures will come along and a new me will always find a different way of looking at things
Oh and merry Christmas or happy holidays
I'm not the same person I was last year, nor the year before, but i still cringe whenever I realize how different everything is. Childhood really is a blessing, being able to do so much with so little responsibility, and I feel that its wasted now, soon enough I will be supporting myself with an job and trying to figure out how the rest of my life will be spent.
It reminds me of the 10th doctors final lines, when he is about to switch from Tennant to Smith, he knows he's about to change, but when the doctor regenerates he is no longer the same person, for all intents and purposes the man he was dies. he simply says "I don't want to go" I dont want things to change, but I guess new adventures will come along and a new me will always find a different way of looking at things
Oh and merry Christmas or happy holidays
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Alcohol
For those who know me you probably already know that I am very opposed to drugs, or any form of anything that weakens ones control over their own body, actions, or thought. I have only had one sip of alcohol ever, and that's when I was 7 and stole a sip of dads beer to see what it tasted like. I have never tried any form of drug, and the idea of it disgusts me. Now I bring this up because these things are some of my basic characteristics, and things that have come into question in my life recently.
I only bring up drugs because I wish to explain my fear of them. I like to call myself an intellectual, and I believe the main purpose of life is though. Your thought controls everything you do, and I feel that when you take drugs you lose control of your thought, losing control of yourself in the process. I don't know where this feeling originated, seeing how i know one of my sisters has done drugs, a story I will elaborate on in a moment, and I know some of my cousins and their significant others do drugs, but this is shared by both me and my twin sister, we both hate drugs and never intend on trying them, and the same goes for drinking.
When I was younger my oldest sister was caught with pot in school, and all 3 of my older sisters stared drinking before they were 21, my only assumption can be that as Kristen and I grew up we saw them, their actions, and their consequences and we realized that that isn't how we want our lives, and we equated drugs and alcohol with their problems.
I lose respect for anyone who I find out is doing drugs, and until recently I tried to avoid those people in general, though the more I hang out with my cousins that harder that is to avoid.
As for alcohol, until recently I felt the same way as I did about drugs. I tried to stay away from drinkers, and I hated the idea, but then once I started hanging out at the farm I got to know some people who are a lot of fun even though they drink, and then I found out that some of my friends drink. These are friends who I had always held in high esteem and though of them as intellectuals. I started to question my beliefs, maybe drinking really wasn't that bad. When a friend that I like started to drink in front of me, and having told me how she had drank before along with other things I never would have expected, I had my weakest moment. This was the first time in my life that I had seriously considered drinking, even if it was only to get buzzed. I guess i just looked at her and though well how could anything that shes doing be anywhere near as wrong as I thought, I simply couldn't imagine it. Fortunately my sister and another friend were there and they were able to keep me from drinking, which I am happy about.
However I still don't know what I think anymore, I mean initially I lost respect for them, but then I realized that these are still the exact same people who I've been hanging out with, and its not like their drinking had affected our friendships. I still don't intend on starting to drink any time soon, and Kristen and I have made a pact that our first drink shall be together, but my beliefs have been shaken. I dont know how to feel about it anymore. I still care about my friends in the exact same way, but I still have that same fear of not being myself. So in general I try to avoid the subject and just ignore it when people do it around me.
However, recently my girlfriend and I have started to fight about this because she drinks fairly often and whenever she does I get annoyed or just unresponsive. This is really the only problem I have with her, and everything else is great, and I know that eventually I'll have to accept the people around me drinking anyway because there's no way I'll survive in the real world if I shun everybody that drinks. So this is what I'm lost and confused about now.
Some of my friends drink, others do drugs, and I don't know where to draw the line anymore, what I can accept, what I should be able to accept, what I should do. I always figured that my friends had that same ideas about it that I did, but I was wrong and now i'm in the labyrinth alone, and I need to figure the way ut that has the best result.
I only bring up drugs because I wish to explain my fear of them. I like to call myself an intellectual, and I believe the main purpose of life is though. Your thought controls everything you do, and I feel that when you take drugs you lose control of your thought, losing control of yourself in the process. I don't know where this feeling originated, seeing how i know one of my sisters has done drugs, a story I will elaborate on in a moment, and I know some of my cousins and their significant others do drugs, but this is shared by both me and my twin sister, we both hate drugs and never intend on trying them, and the same goes for drinking.
When I was younger my oldest sister was caught with pot in school, and all 3 of my older sisters stared drinking before they were 21, my only assumption can be that as Kristen and I grew up we saw them, their actions, and their consequences and we realized that that isn't how we want our lives, and we equated drugs and alcohol with their problems.
I lose respect for anyone who I find out is doing drugs, and until recently I tried to avoid those people in general, though the more I hang out with my cousins that harder that is to avoid.
As for alcohol, until recently I felt the same way as I did about drugs. I tried to stay away from drinkers, and I hated the idea, but then once I started hanging out at the farm I got to know some people who are a lot of fun even though they drink, and then I found out that some of my friends drink. These are friends who I had always held in high esteem and though of them as intellectuals. I started to question my beliefs, maybe drinking really wasn't that bad. When a friend that I like started to drink in front of me, and having told me how she had drank before along with other things I never would have expected, I had my weakest moment. This was the first time in my life that I had seriously considered drinking, even if it was only to get buzzed. I guess i just looked at her and though well how could anything that shes doing be anywhere near as wrong as I thought, I simply couldn't imagine it. Fortunately my sister and another friend were there and they were able to keep me from drinking, which I am happy about.
However I still don't know what I think anymore, I mean initially I lost respect for them, but then I realized that these are still the exact same people who I've been hanging out with, and its not like their drinking had affected our friendships. I still don't intend on starting to drink any time soon, and Kristen and I have made a pact that our first drink shall be together, but my beliefs have been shaken. I dont know how to feel about it anymore. I still care about my friends in the exact same way, but I still have that same fear of not being myself. So in general I try to avoid the subject and just ignore it when people do it around me.
However, recently my girlfriend and I have started to fight about this because she drinks fairly often and whenever she does I get annoyed or just unresponsive. This is really the only problem I have with her, and everything else is great, and I know that eventually I'll have to accept the people around me drinking anyway because there's no way I'll survive in the real world if I shun everybody that drinks. So this is what I'm lost and confused about now.
Some of my friends drink, others do drugs, and I don't know where to draw the line anymore, what I can accept, what I should be able to accept, what I should do. I always figured that my friends had that same ideas about it that I did, but I was wrong and now i'm in the labyrinth alone, and I need to figure the way ut that has the best result.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Imposter
So I felt this needed a separate post due to its much more serious nature. I went to a wake today with my girlfriend. It was for a 19 year old man who died on the 13th when he lost control of his car on ice and hit a tree, he died in the hospital. I never knew him, Even now I cant remember his name, I was only there so my girlfriend wouldn't be alone. I was there surrounded by his family and so many people crying, I walked up to the coffin with my girlfriend and I just stood there looking at the young man in the coffin, barely older than I am, who still had every right to be a live. I felt like an impostor. I didn't belong there all these people knew him, had cared about him, and expected him to be around so much longer.
When I walked up to the coffin I could only think one thing "I never knew you, I have no idea what your story was and now I never will, and no one will know how it was supposed to end, on this shorty beginning that was taken away so abruptly." His story wont be finished, and its not fair, not to him, his friends, his family, not to anyone, but it is and it cant be changed.
The wake brought back memories of my grandfathers funeral this summer, but I just felt so weird the entire time, knowing I didn't belong there, I had no idea who the you man in the coffin was, I felt disrespectful for walking in there and acting like i was part of this.
I don't ever want to be an impostor again, I don't want to lie about knowing someones story, I just wish that I could go back to the days of innocence where a funeral meant nothing because you couldn't yet grasp the concept of death, of being gone, of forever.
When I walked up to the coffin I could only think one thing "I never knew you, I have no idea what your story was and now I never will, and no one will know how it was supposed to end, on this shorty beginning that was taken away so abruptly." His story wont be finished, and its not fair, not to him, his friends, his family, not to anyone, but it is and it cant be changed.
The wake brought back memories of my grandfathers funeral this summer, but I just felt so weird the entire time, knowing I didn't belong there, I had no idea who the you man in the coffin was, I felt disrespectful for walking in there and acting like i was part of this.
I don't ever want to be an impostor again, I don't want to lie about knowing someones story, I just wish that I could go back to the days of innocence where a funeral meant nothing because you couldn't yet grasp the concept of death, of being gone, of forever.
ahh, wonderful x-mas season
Yes, i purposefully say x-mas 1. because of futurama's awesomeness and 2. because i have long since been disgusted with how this holiday is all about consumerism and buying peoples love. I mean, hell, Jesus was supposedly born in the spring, the only reason we chose this time was because it coincided with other major holidays, like Yule a pagan festival for men, that involved a large number of drunken homosexual orgies, just thing of that sometime tries to sing you their "yule-tide carol"
so yeah, consumerism, I was in the mall till 11 last night buying gifts for my girlfriend and family, not because I wanted to be but because my parents are my only form of transportation and they had to get their shopping done. On a brighter note, I picked out a laptop that they purchased, which is awesome, so hopefully it will be a good holiday season. and tomorrow is cookie day. Basically most of my moms half of the family will come over to our house and we will spend ours making and decorating sugar cookies, gingerbread cookies (my favorite), peanut butter cookies and many many more. It should be awesome, I love working with the dough and frosting.
So I'm really curious, what are your peoples holiday plans? I mean I know what we do, we just gather at one of my parents siblings houses, exchange presents, then hang out for a few hours, but what do you guys do? have any traditions or just the same old boring holiday break? speaking of which, I hope I'm not bored to death over break, I need to make plans and by that I mean see more than just my family and girlfriend over break
so yeah, consumerism, I was in the mall till 11 last night buying gifts for my girlfriend and family, not because I wanted to be but because my parents are my only form of transportation and they had to get their shopping done. On a brighter note, I picked out a laptop that they purchased, which is awesome, so hopefully it will be a good holiday season. and tomorrow is cookie day. Basically most of my moms half of the family will come over to our house and we will spend ours making and decorating sugar cookies, gingerbread cookies (my favorite), peanut butter cookies and many many more. It should be awesome, I love working with the dough and frosting.
So I'm really curious, what are your peoples holiday plans? I mean I know what we do, we just gather at one of my parents siblings houses, exchange presents, then hang out for a few hours, but what do you guys do? have any traditions or just the same old boring holiday break? speaking of which, I hope I'm not bored to death over break, I need to make plans and by that I mean see more than just my family and girlfriend over break
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Paganism
I guess it's time for my 2nd religious of the month because I'm awesome like that. So remember my last one about deism and whatnot? about how I believe that there is a god who has moved on to better things than us and all that? well that's still what I believe, but I learned quite a bit about paganism this weekend. For those who have no belief in the paranormal, or to a much less extent than this I apologize, I don't know what I believe yet, though I am certain there are ghosts and demons out there, other things like creatures of the fey(sp) I'm not so sure of yet.
Back story
this weekend I went up to the farm, aka the non functioning farm owned by my cousin Chris' family. We have parties up there from time to time, there were 15 of us there this time and by the end of the night all but 3 of us were drunk but oh well, i cant rant about my dislike of alcohol some other time, at least there weren't any other drugs this time. But last about a 1 minute walk from the farm is a family graveyard dating back to 1793, Chris is related to everyone buried in the graveyard and he takes care of it.
last time we were there I heard a few of them talking about George, and how he was getting angry. Apparently whenever people come to the graveyard George stands on the rise by the entrance and watches them, sometimes moving about, and he was really angry, and that's why he couldn't move on. So Donovan decided that this time they would do a ritual to make George move on.
the event
When we got to the farm we set a ring of candles around the house. We put 12 people inside the ring and then the 4 at the north south east and west corners said a prayer summoning the guardians of the towers of the north south east and west, one for each element. Then we finished the circle of protection around the house. This was to keep anything angry from getting at the people inside the circle. The four people who planned this then left the circle to go to the graveyard where they made another circle and started their thing to dismiss George, I don't know most of what happened up there.
An hour later they came back, they sprinted down the hill and pounded on the door till we unlocked it and let them in, a few people claimed they heard screams. They told us that there was something else in the graveyard that attacked them once they started talking to George, it was taking the souls int he graveyard apparently, they couldn't get rid of it and that's why they ran back as soon as their task was done. Jack, Chris' brother, then went outside to blow out all the candles. He cam back in once he finished and told us that he heard children laughing outside, i wanted to go out but Donovan and the others were really stressed out and said not to tempt spirits. But later when we looked back outside a few of the candles were re lit, needless to say we were a little sketched out because no one went outside after jack had blown them all out.
Later, Donovan felt the circle crumbling the thing was trying to break through and Donovan was breaking down and crying. Chris and 3 others went back up to the graveyard to try to fight this thing off to help Donovan. When they came back they were literally carrying Amanda, she had fainted and was only semi-concise.
Apparently while in the graveyard she saw the thing as it truly was and it started attacking her, a piece of it was inside of her when they banished it and thus we spent the next few hours helping her, trying to get it out of her.
I know it sounds crazy but she was in serious pain, her body wasn't listening to her and she was having trouble doing anything. it was really scary for me, because this was the closest to proof of paranormal I've seen first hand.
Well anyway, during this time I asked lots of questions about the things they were doing and listened to their conversations. I learned quite a bit about paganism from them, about how everything exists as long as it is believed, about Egyptian, Norse, Hindu, and even christian Gods. So now I'm going to try to learn more by myself and hopefully Chris will teach me some stuff, but it should be fun.
And if you're a skeptic and don't believe at all I a, curious as to what you think on this whole thing
Back story
this weekend I went up to the farm, aka the non functioning farm owned by my cousin Chris' family. We have parties up there from time to time, there were 15 of us there this time and by the end of the night all but 3 of us were drunk but oh well, i cant rant about my dislike of alcohol some other time, at least there weren't any other drugs this time. But last about a 1 minute walk from the farm is a family graveyard dating back to 1793, Chris is related to everyone buried in the graveyard and he takes care of it.
last time we were there I heard a few of them talking about George, and how he was getting angry. Apparently whenever people come to the graveyard George stands on the rise by the entrance and watches them, sometimes moving about, and he was really angry, and that's why he couldn't move on. So Donovan decided that this time they would do a ritual to make George move on.
the event
When we got to the farm we set a ring of candles around the house. We put 12 people inside the ring and then the 4 at the north south east and west corners said a prayer summoning the guardians of the towers of the north south east and west, one for each element. Then we finished the circle of protection around the house. This was to keep anything angry from getting at the people inside the circle. The four people who planned this then left the circle to go to the graveyard where they made another circle and started their thing to dismiss George, I don't know most of what happened up there.
An hour later they came back, they sprinted down the hill and pounded on the door till we unlocked it and let them in, a few people claimed they heard screams. They told us that there was something else in the graveyard that attacked them once they started talking to George, it was taking the souls int he graveyard apparently, they couldn't get rid of it and that's why they ran back as soon as their task was done. Jack, Chris' brother, then went outside to blow out all the candles. He cam back in once he finished and told us that he heard children laughing outside, i wanted to go out but Donovan and the others were really stressed out and said not to tempt spirits. But later when we looked back outside a few of the candles were re lit, needless to say we were a little sketched out because no one went outside after jack had blown them all out.
Later, Donovan felt the circle crumbling the thing was trying to break through and Donovan was breaking down and crying. Chris and 3 others went back up to the graveyard to try to fight this thing off to help Donovan. When they came back they were literally carrying Amanda, she had fainted and was only semi-concise.
Apparently while in the graveyard she saw the thing as it truly was and it started attacking her, a piece of it was inside of her when they banished it and thus we spent the next few hours helping her, trying to get it out of her.
I know it sounds crazy but she was in serious pain, her body wasn't listening to her and she was having trouble doing anything. it was really scary for me, because this was the closest to proof of paranormal I've seen first hand.
Well anyway, during this time I asked lots of questions about the things they were doing and listened to their conversations. I learned quite a bit about paganism from them, about how everything exists as long as it is believed, about Egyptian, Norse, Hindu, and even christian Gods. So now I'm going to try to learn more by myself and hopefully Chris will teach me some stuff, but it should be fun.
And if you're a skeptic and don't believe at all I a, curious as to what you think on this whole thing
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
contemplation
I always watch the glass, never what passes behind it.
Scenery flows by and people talk in the background.
I know that a major plot is passing
But I cant make myself interested.
There are people in the car, and they never stop talking
They can say words I could never bring myself to
But I am in a trance, not quite asleep
Not listening to what they say to me.
I could feel the wind if they'd only roll the window down
I can the vibrating of a motor rumbling beneath me
I am in the backseat, just listening in
forgotten by the driver and his guest
The scenery through the glass is still pristine and gorgeous
But I never stop thinking as I look through the window
that these lines are only a script
So I change the channel
Scenery flows by and people talk in the background.
I know that a major plot is passing
But I cant make myself interested.
There are people in the car, and they never stop talking
They can say words I could never bring myself to
But I am in a trance, not quite asleep
Not listening to what they say to me.
I could feel the wind if they'd only roll the window down
I can the vibrating of a motor rumbling beneath me
I am in the backseat, just listening in
forgotten by the driver and his guest
The scenery through the glass is still pristine and gorgeous
But I never stop thinking as I look through the window
that these lines are only a script
So I change the channel
what is the plural of Tardis?
Well I'm disappointed because I never ended up doing anything for pretend to be a time traveler day but oh well, there's always next year.
So I guess I'll go watch doctor who or something to celebrate.
Friday shall be fun, we're doing a huge decoration party at my house where we'll set up the lights and tree and everything else then on Saturday its back out to the farm with everyone
Woo, not much else to talk about, I'm not single anymore, as of last night, and 10 seconds after it became "facebook official" one of her friends IM'd me saying don't you dare hurt her, I know you've cheated before, dont pursue her if you don't actually care about her, so that was tons of fun how people still assume the worst of my, but I guess that's just a consequence of my actions.
So I guess I'll go watch doctor who or something to celebrate.
Friday shall be fun, we're doing a huge decoration party at my house where we'll set up the lights and tree and everything else then on Saturday its back out to the farm with everyone
Woo, not much else to talk about, I'm not single anymore, as of last night, and 10 seconds after it became "facebook official" one of her friends IM'd me saying don't you dare hurt her, I know you've cheated before, dont pursue her if you don't actually care about her, so that was tons of fun how people still assume the worst of my, but I guess that's just a consequence of my actions.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Deism
I was sitting in church this morning, it being a regular Sunday morning where between the hours of 11 and 12 I am not in between my covers like any sensible person on a Sunday but at church, and I started to wonder why I was really there.
Now, as most of my friends know I have been unsure of my beliefs for a while, and I don't count myself to be a Holy Roman Catholic, even though I attend a Holy Roman Catholic church almost every Sunday, was baptized and confirmed as a catholic, and have been an alter server for the last 5 or 6 years. Of course I still put catholic on my college applications and any other form because that is always how I've identified myself, ever since I was really young. It was the first belief system I was exposed to and I really don't know if I have the ability to stop myself from identifying with it.
In 9th grade I head the term Deism for the first time and I realized that this was a lot closer to what I actually believed. Deism is the idea that god exists, he created gthe earth and the universe and everything else, but he got tired or sick of his creations and abandoned them, he left to go make something new, something he could be happier with.
However, being brought up catholic, I haven't stopped believing that Jesus was the son of God, and I try to reason with myself saying, well whats to say god wouldn't look back from time to time and try to fix things, after all Deism is referred to as "The Watchmaker Theory" but if a watch is broken you bring it back to the maker to fix it right? I also still pray to a god, that according to my beliefs, wouldn't be listening to me, and of course, I still want to believe in heaven, or some kind of existence after death. I mean, these are the reasons humankind supposedly invented religion in the first place for, right? and Deism doesn't really fix any of these problems.
I remember a few months ago one of my friends asking me why I still prayed and I really had no answer for her, the best thing I could come up with were 1. whats the harm, in case I'm wrong, 2. Because the rest of my family does it during meals too, and 3. I don't want to completely forsake the beliefs I grew up with. But I still wonder about this, I don't really know what I'm doing anymore because I want to believe in a God that's watching over us, keeping us safe and all that, but to me its so much more realistic to believe in a god that has left us for something better.
And my final point on the subject is that what is the point in believing in Deism, I mean Christianity has the whole heaven idea, but for me deism and atheism both end in nothingness, what is the purpose of believing then?
One other thing is that this weekend I started watching the anime The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya. It is quite awesome, funny and very weird, and I definitely intend on finishing it at some point, but I find it really funny how it relates to this discussion. Haruhi is supposedly a God, she created the world we know because she wanted it to exists, and then her wants shaped the world, so things like aliens and people from the future and espers existed, but the plot is that she is growing bored of this world and some aliens, future men, and espers see this and worry that she will abandon this world and create a new one and by leaving she could very well destroy this one, and they cant expose to her that the things she wants to exist really do exists because if they become every day things then she might grow bored of them too and thus the problem recreates itself. So then they go about trying to keep her happy with the world as is, oh and btw she is a high school student so that just makes things even more fun, and a perfectly normal boy is dragged into all this too because she starts to like him.
But yeah, if anyone has anything to say that they think could appease my worrying about my belifs feel free to shoot, not that I really think my problems with it can be solved so easily.
Oh and this wednesday is Pretend to be a Time Traveler Day, its an actualy holiday full of awesome, and hopefully I'll actually participate this year, maybe I'll update with stories
Now, as most of my friends know I have been unsure of my beliefs for a while, and I don't count myself to be a Holy Roman Catholic, even though I attend a Holy Roman Catholic church almost every Sunday, was baptized and confirmed as a catholic, and have been an alter server for the last 5 or 6 years. Of course I still put catholic on my college applications and any other form because that is always how I've identified myself, ever since I was really young. It was the first belief system I was exposed to and I really don't know if I have the ability to stop myself from identifying with it.
In 9th grade I head the term Deism for the first time and I realized that this was a lot closer to what I actually believed. Deism is the idea that god exists, he created gthe earth and the universe and everything else, but he got tired or sick of his creations and abandoned them, he left to go make something new, something he could be happier with.
However, being brought up catholic, I haven't stopped believing that Jesus was the son of God, and I try to reason with myself saying, well whats to say god wouldn't look back from time to time and try to fix things, after all Deism is referred to as "The Watchmaker Theory" but if a watch is broken you bring it back to the maker to fix it right? I also still pray to a god, that according to my beliefs, wouldn't be listening to me, and of course, I still want to believe in heaven, or some kind of existence after death. I mean, these are the reasons humankind supposedly invented religion in the first place for, right? and Deism doesn't really fix any of these problems.
I remember a few months ago one of my friends asking me why I still prayed and I really had no answer for her, the best thing I could come up with were 1. whats the harm, in case I'm wrong, 2. Because the rest of my family does it during meals too, and 3. I don't want to completely forsake the beliefs I grew up with. But I still wonder about this, I don't really know what I'm doing anymore because I want to believe in a God that's watching over us, keeping us safe and all that, but to me its so much more realistic to believe in a god that has left us for something better.
And my final point on the subject is that what is the point in believing in Deism, I mean Christianity has the whole heaven idea, but for me deism and atheism both end in nothingness, what is the purpose of believing then?
One other thing is that this weekend I started watching the anime The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya. It is quite awesome, funny and very weird, and I definitely intend on finishing it at some point, but I find it really funny how it relates to this discussion. Haruhi is supposedly a God, she created the world we know because she wanted it to exists, and then her wants shaped the world, so things like aliens and people from the future and espers existed, but the plot is that she is growing bored of this world and some aliens, future men, and espers see this and worry that she will abandon this world and create a new one and by leaving she could very well destroy this one, and they cant expose to her that the things she wants to exist really do exists because if they become every day things then she might grow bored of them too and thus the problem recreates itself. So then they go about trying to keep her happy with the world as is, oh and btw she is a high school student so that just makes things even more fun, and a perfectly normal boy is dragged into all this too because she starts to like him.
But yeah, if anyone has anything to say that they think could appease my worrying about my belifs feel free to shoot, not that I really think my problems with it can be solved so easily.
Oh and this wednesday is Pretend to be a Time Traveler Day, its an actualy holiday full of awesome, and hopefully I'll actually participate this year, maybe I'll update with stories
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Blogy Blog of rant-ness
So, blah, this is just going to be a rant to get things out of my head, feel free to not read, if anyone even is anymore.
I'm so sick of people in general, i keep trying to be kind, I keep trying to bring friends into my life in the hopes that I'll actually have a close friend again, my best friend and I still hang out but we have so little in common anymore, he hangs out with my twin sister more than me now, that's just the kind of person he's become. And in the midst of slowly forcing myself to realize i'm not as close to him as I used to be I also have to recognize how it often seems not of my friends want me around the first example that pops into my head of course is today, I sat at home being bored and playing zelda, The person who i really wish i was a lot closer to and 2 of my other friends got together and hung out. Normally this wouldn't seem so bad to most people, i mean people need time without some of there friends, no one wants to spend every second of their life with anyone, but it happens all the time, my friends get together and hang out all day and the few times I have asked about it there reasoning was that the rest of them were in walking distance but they didn't walk there anyway, i'm all of a 4 minute drive away. And These are the same friends that I invited up to the farm, and a bunch of other places, they have fun, they come hang out with me and my family and other people, and then they don't invite me to anything they're doing ever.
The end result is I sit at home waiting for anybody to sign on to save me from this monotony if thrust myself into.
It doesn't help that the girl I like doesn't like me back, and the other girl i'm interested in who i thought wanted to go out with me isn't sure anymore. So ive slowly been forced back into the social void I finally though I had escaped in 9th grade, except now i know what I'm missing, and the abrasive thoughts wont go away when I start thinking how I'd do anything to escape, but I'd do even more if it meant my friends actually wanting me around or the girl i want to be willing to give me a chance .
I know what I'm missing now and It sucks, i wish i had just been left in my void back when I could be happy just sitting around playing video games by myself all day, back when I didn't care what the world was doing because I was content being in one of my own.
Im sick and tired of crying every night thinking that I am so far behind in everything I need to be doing, and how I got nothing accomplished that day.
I wish I could go back and change who I became when I was younger, I wish i could change my ideologies, my beliefs, everything, i'm not happy being lousy old Trevor Molineaux who isn't liked by his friends and cant escape to his own world anymore because he let it go when he thought he could make it in the real world , I want to be someone else, anyone else, not this lazy, crazy, depressed thing that sits at his computer everyday.
I guess its just another night that ill fall asleep with tears in my eyes and bad thoughts in my head.
And that was my rant, sorry you read through that if you got to this point
I'm so sick of people in general, i keep trying to be kind, I keep trying to bring friends into my life in the hopes that I'll actually have a close friend again, my best friend and I still hang out but we have so little in common anymore, he hangs out with my twin sister more than me now, that's just the kind of person he's become. And in the midst of slowly forcing myself to realize i'm not as close to him as I used to be I also have to recognize how it often seems not of my friends want me around the first example that pops into my head of course is today, I sat at home being bored and playing zelda, The person who i really wish i was a lot closer to and 2 of my other friends got together and hung out. Normally this wouldn't seem so bad to most people, i mean people need time without some of there friends, no one wants to spend every second of their life with anyone, but it happens all the time, my friends get together and hang out all day and the few times I have asked about it there reasoning was that the rest of them were in walking distance but they didn't walk there anyway, i'm all of a 4 minute drive away. And These are the same friends that I invited up to the farm, and a bunch of other places, they have fun, they come hang out with me and my family and other people, and then they don't invite me to anything they're doing ever.
The end result is I sit at home waiting for anybody to sign on to save me from this monotony if thrust myself into.
It doesn't help that the girl I like doesn't like me back, and the other girl i'm interested in who i thought wanted to go out with me isn't sure anymore. So ive slowly been forced back into the social void I finally though I had escaped in 9th grade, except now i know what I'm missing, and the abrasive thoughts wont go away when I start thinking how I'd do anything to escape, but I'd do even more if it meant my friends actually wanting me around or the girl i want to be willing to give me a chance .
I know what I'm missing now and It sucks, i wish i had just been left in my void back when I could be happy just sitting around playing video games by myself all day, back when I didn't care what the world was doing because I was content being in one of my own.
Im sick and tired of crying every night thinking that I am so far behind in everything I need to be doing, and how I got nothing accomplished that day.
I wish I could go back and change who I became when I was younger, I wish i could change my ideologies, my beliefs, everything, i'm not happy being lousy old Trevor Molineaux who isn't liked by his friends and cant escape to his own world anymore because he let it go when he thought he could make it in the real world , I want to be someone else, anyone else, not this lazy, crazy, depressed thing that sits at his computer everyday.
I guess its just another night that ill fall asleep with tears in my eyes and bad thoughts in my head.
And that was my rant, sorry you read through that if you got to this point
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
friendships and relationships
well, friendship is an odd thing at the best of times and I rarely understand any of it. I really like one of my friends, but unfortunately they dont like me the same way, so i got turned down by them, which makes sense, but it still hurts because I've liked them for a really long time. On the other hand, I finally have someone to try to help me get over them, so i wont be lonely any more which will hopefully help.
So, im trying to preserve friendships, but thats not the only one, my friends have all been drifting apart which really sucks, and i have next to none close friends left, besides the aforementioned girl I like. But I cant really see a point in trying to bring them all together again seeing how in a few months i wont see most of them again, its quite depressing.
Oh well friendship is a weird thing, just like love it ebbs and flows, it grows and dies, and sometimes its better that it does stop, but that doesn't mean there wont be scars.
Well, that's the extent of my rambling for today, a tale of loves lost, but in the end i guess it doesn't matter.
So, im trying to preserve friendships, but thats not the only one, my friends have all been drifting apart which really sucks, and i have next to none close friends left, besides the aforementioned girl I like. But I cant really see a point in trying to bring them all together again seeing how in a few months i wont see most of them again, its quite depressing.
Oh well friendship is a weird thing, just like love it ebbs and flows, it grows and dies, and sometimes its better that it does stop, but that doesn't mean there wont be scars.
Well, that's the extent of my rambling for today, a tale of loves lost, but in the end i guess it doesn't matter.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Harry Potter
so, just thought you should know, i just got my ticket for the midnight showing tomorrow night, its gonna be awesome :) you're jealous. well walking home at 3 in the morning on a school night in the cold might suck, but the movie will be worth it.
in other news, i finally got Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of time and am playing that through for the first time ever, yeah I know I fail but at least I've got it now, and then I'm playing FF7 again, and that's really the entirety of my life, sort of boring, oh well I find the time to have fun.
in other news, i finally got Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of time and am playing that through for the first time ever, yeah I know I fail but at least I've got it now, and then I'm playing FF7 again, and that's really the entirety of my life, sort of boring, oh well I find the time to have fun.
Monday, November 8, 2010
the meaning is...
So, I hate being single, and i almost started going out with one of my friends because of this. Not a good plan, not only would it have probably ended up hurting our relationship, but also because it would prove another of my friends theories that i'm a serial monogamist, which in truth I am. Since my sophomore year I've had 4 girlfriends, and with gaps of less than a month in between each. Before I had my first girlfriend I didn't really know what I was missing, but after that I realized just how much being single sucked, and thus whenever I found myself to be single again I would try to remedy that as swiftly as possible.
Well, thankfully I realized before it was too late, that while i do like this friends as more than a friend, it wouldn't be fair to her because if i wasn't just desperate to not be single I might not have wanted to ask her out, well that and that I really like someone else who, unfortunately, doesn't like me back.
So after being flirtatious for a week or two, i told her what I've been thinking and she hasn't said a word to me since. In truth I did lead her on, and I am an awful person, but I didn't really know what I wanted.
But all the events of the past few weeks have gotten me back on a "what is the meaning" thing. I've been wondering if the meaning of life could really be something so simple as love if it comes and goes so readily, or maybe that's just because I don't know what it really is yet. Oh well, this whole questioning is probably just because of my recent rejection, but oh well, life is funny, and every event has extenuating circumstances.
Well, thankfully I realized before it was too late, that while i do like this friends as more than a friend, it wouldn't be fair to her because if i wasn't just desperate to not be single I might not have wanted to ask her out, well that and that I really like someone else who, unfortunately, doesn't like me back.
So after being flirtatious for a week or two, i told her what I've been thinking and she hasn't said a word to me since. In truth I did lead her on, and I am an awful person, but I didn't really know what I wanted.
But all the events of the past few weeks have gotten me back on a "what is the meaning" thing. I've been wondering if the meaning of life could really be something so simple as love if it comes and goes so readily, or maybe that's just because I don't know what it really is yet. Oh well, this whole questioning is probably just because of my recent rejection, but oh well, life is funny, and every event has extenuating circumstances.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
hypocracy again
so, today i used the word fagot to yell at someone who pissed me off. This is not a normal Trevor thing, well the yelling at people is I suppose, but I'm trying to work on that. But yeah, i hat the word fagot, im not gay, and I have a few gay friends who dont care about the word fagot at all, but i still feel bad for using it. So this is my apology to the universe for that.
On another note, i had an interview with a navy guy for my NROTC scholarship and when he was asking about all my extra curriculars I said something about the gsa without thinking about it. After explaining it he gave me this stare, and I felt really stupid for bringing it up, oh well lesson learned. lol i fail.
marathoning harry potter tomorrow, cant wait for all 15 hours of it
On another note, i had an interview with a navy guy for my NROTC scholarship and when he was asking about all my extra curriculars I said something about the gsa without thinking about it. After explaining it he gave me this stare, and I felt really stupid for bringing it up, oh well lesson learned. lol i fail.
marathoning harry potter tomorrow, cant wait for all 15 hours of it
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
This week...
Well I had a fun Halloween week, and a few extra days added in cause i haven't posted in a while. I saw Rocky Horror Picture Show twice live, which was a lot of fun, and I was even on the news in a dress. I'm not so sure why I'm so willing to dress up for rocky horror, but I have a lot of fun doing it, and i don't really care how it changes what people think of me, well most people at least. there are a few people who i don't think think any less of me for doing it but it would really hurt me to find out that it did, but oh well.
I went as Ash Ketchum for Halloween and it disappointed me how few people recognized me, but it was still fun, And this weekend I'm going to my friends masquerade so that'll be cool.
also upcoming is a 15 hour and 2 minute screening of the first 6 harry potter movies this weekend in preparation for the next movie's release. me and 4 friends will be staying up all night at my house and here's hoping we don't all fall asleep.
in other news for the last week or so I pissed one of my friends off who now thinks i was leading her on, and another one of my friends doesn't like me back the way i want them to, but oh well, relationship drama and all that fun stuff. Life goes on. hopefully everything will turn out all right.
until next time, remember that you must deserve to receive, try and fight all you wish, if you don't deserve it, i hope you the best of luck.
I went as Ash Ketchum for Halloween and it disappointed me how few people recognized me, but it was still fun, And this weekend I'm going to my friends masquerade so that'll be cool.
also upcoming is a 15 hour and 2 minute screening of the first 6 harry potter movies this weekend in preparation for the next movie's release. me and 4 friends will be staying up all night at my house and here's hoping we don't all fall asleep.
in other news for the last week or so I pissed one of my friends off who now thinks i was leading her on, and another one of my friends doesn't like me back the way i want them to, but oh well, relationship drama and all that fun stuff. Life goes on. hopefully everything will turn out all right.
until next time, remember that you must deserve to receive, try and fight all you wish, if you don't deserve it, i hope you the best of luck.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Zombie walk
so, the Albany zombie walk was yesterday, and it was tons of fun. I went with Sarah and Megan and we got splattered with blood, and they got their make done, and it was awesome. then we walked along the streets of Albany terrorizing pedestrians. The event ended with a thriller dance, a brain eating contest, and the we watched Zombieland and it was still awesome, for those of you who haven't seen it yet, I highly recommend it. I decided to theme my outfit, so I went as a boyscout zombie, and I got quite a few compliments. Some other notables were zombie Jesus, zombie Luigi, Riff Raff(at least I think that's what they were trying to do) and of course the zombie specialist forces to keep us all in line.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
hypocracy
well, great now i feel like a hypocrite. I just broke up with my girlfriend of a few months, a girl I've had a crush on since about 3rd grade. But sometimes its better when you're just friends I guess, and its definitely better than both of us trying to force ourselves to like the other as more than just a friend.
New design, new title, a new start
Well, after over a year of the exact same design I figured it was time to change some things. I like how it turned out, the design was just getting old, you know? well now designates a new start, I'm going to start posting more often, and hopefully about more interesting stuff, but for today I'm going to go have a nerdgasm.
So, Magic, aka magic:the gathering
its awesome, and i made myself a new deck, its counter-burn, and I love it, Its my 3rd deck of my own creation, and my 2nd good one, my other is my elf deck but after 4 years its pretty good and most of my friends cant beat it so it gets really boring, so I'm loving the change of pace my counter-burn provides, its so different.
I'm going to be teaching some more of my friends how to play so that should be fun, and i might be setting one of my friends up with a guy, maybe, possibly, if everything turns out all right, I know those 2 topics tend not to go well together but the guy is one of my friends who I'm going to be teaching. He used to play and have tons of rares that make me jealous, so i figure it should be a good time to help him make a deck and then actually get to play against someone besides kyle.
Well, nerdgasm over.
Im taking a mythology class right now, and its fun but a ton of work, we're doing this dance project for Heracles, who my teacher insists on calling Hercules even though we're using Greek names, its interesting, but we're going to fail because our dance sucks, maybe ill get a video up if I'm not too embarrassed by it. But im also reading the Necrinomicon, which i find to be more fun mythology than what we are doing in class, so that's probably lowering my grade, oh well, It's worth it.
And I gave blood today, my 2nd time ever, and i did the double red thing so they took twice as much as normal but seperated the plasma and put it back in me, however the downside is that it sits for a while and cools to room temperature, meaning i've been freezing since 5, but oh well, it makes me feel good about myself, and now I'm playing with the sticky arm bandage thing they gave me cause I'm cool like that :P
Well, back to work on my costume and college apps
So, Magic, aka magic:the gathering
its awesome, and i made myself a new deck, its counter-burn, and I love it, Its my 3rd deck of my own creation, and my 2nd good one, my other is my elf deck but after 4 years its pretty good and most of my friends cant beat it so it gets really boring, so I'm loving the change of pace my counter-burn provides, its so different.
I'm going to be teaching some more of my friends how to play so that should be fun, and i might be setting one of my friends up with a guy, maybe, possibly, if everything turns out all right, I know those 2 topics tend not to go well together but the guy is one of my friends who I'm going to be teaching. He used to play and have tons of rares that make me jealous, so i figure it should be a good time to help him make a deck and then actually get to play against someone besides kyle.
Well, nerdgasm over.
Im taking a mythology class right now, and its fun but a ton of work, we're doing this dance project for Heracles, who my teacher insists on calling Hercules even though we're using Greek names, its interesting, but we're going to fail because our dance sucks, maybe ill get a video up if I'm not too embarrassed by it. But im also reading the Necrinomicon, which i find to be more fun mythology than what we are doing in class, so that's probably lowering my grade, oh well, It's worth it.
And I gave blood today, my 2nd time ever, and i did the double red thing so they took twice as much as normal but seperated the plasma and put it back in me, however the downside is that it sits for a while and cools to room temperature, meaning i've been freezing since 5, but oh well, it makes me feel good about myself, and now I'm playing with the sticky arm bandage thing they gave me cause I'm cool like that :P
Well, back to work on my costume and college apps
Sunday, October 17, 2010
epiphany
well, i had an epiphany today and it made me feel really stupid. I took a look at where I am right now and asked if i could change anything what would it be, and that was pretty clear to me, and I asked myself why not change it and the answer again was clear, i dont want to hurt people, I also dont want to be left halfway there and finding out that there was never an actual endpoint in sight.
After this i started thinking about my friends, or the people i call my friends, or want to be friends with, or dont want to be friends with. The people who i see as part of the group, part of my group, part of that group, or just the people. I tried to see where i fit in, and where i was trying to make myself fit in. I realized that i only care about a few of my friends, there are only a few people that care about me that I actually want around, but I also realized that I've let a lot of people i used to be close to slip away, and that's where a lot of my discomfort comes from now, Peter and I have hung out once in the last 3 or 4 years, Tyler and I have only seen each other once in the last 2 months if not more.
And then it hit me, in a few more months most of these people will probably never, or very rarely, hear from me again, whether they be the ones i care about or not. so I need to make the most of the time I have, without making myself feel like im imposing on them.
And I had one last thought today, that i'm not sure if i want to risk ruining a friendship even if it might make me happier for a while, but mistakes are made, they cant be taken back, and sooner or latter I'll make my choice take a risk or stay safe, hurt someone or possibly hurt myself, its all so confusing.
I just hope i dont lose everyone at the end of the school year, the few I care about are much too important for that.
After this i started thinking about my friends, or the people i call my friends, or want to be friends with, or dont want to be friends with. The people who i see as part of the group, part of my group, part of that group, or just the people. I tried to see where i fit in, and where i was trying to make myself fit in. I realized that i only care about a few of my friends, there are only a few people that care about me that I actually want around, but I also realized that I've let a lot of people i used to be close to slip away, and that's where a lot of my discomfort comes from now, Peter and I have hung out once in the last 3 or 4 years, Tyler and I have only seen each other once in the last 2 months if not more.
And then it hit me, in a few more months most of these people will probably never, or very rarely, hear from me again, whether they be the ones i care about or not. so I need to make the most of the time I have, without making myself feel like im imposing on them.
And I had one last thought today, that i'm not sure if i want to risk ruining a friendship even if it might make me happier for a while, but mistakes are made, they cant be taken back, and sooner or latter I'll make my choice take a risk or stay safe, hurt someone or possibly hurt myself, its all so confusing.
I just hope i dont lose everyone at the end of the school year, the few I care about are much too important for that.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
senior year...
really isnt what i expected, apparently im in 11 different clubs, busy every day, biking to school, and still dealing with drama.
But I no longer feel sick for holding something back, my friend found out what happened, and they broke up, and now I can move on and stop feeling bad for her not knowing. So drama is dropping, yay
Of my 11 clubs i have executive spots in 2(hopefully 3 soon) so that's fun and all, but trying to get over jealousies and whatnot do to other positions that i couldn't get. I wouldn't do that well if I was any more stretched out anyway.
I got most unique for the senior superlatives, which i really didn't expect, i didn't vote for anyone cause i didn't see our school as having anyone unique besides Hana, who didn't even end up winning, which is stupid, but oh well.
I'm falling behind in college stuff again, and apparently my admissions essay isnt good even though i put a lot into it, which really disappointed me.
But feeling great, got a lot of my chest today, drama gone, working out, and i made a really cool poaster with help for my clubs that im really proud of.
So, now i really need to get to work on my Halloween/Genericon costume. going as ash, should be lots of awesome if i get it done
But I no longer feel sick for holding something back, my friend found out what happened, and they broke up, and now I can move on and stop feeling bad for her not knowing. So drama is dropping, yay
Of my 11 clubs i have executive spots in 2(hopefully 3 soon) so that's fun and all, but trying to get over jealousies and whatnot do to other positions that i couldn't get. I wouldn't do that well if I was any more stretched out anyway.
I got most unique for the senior superlatives, which i really didn't expect, i didn't vote for anyone cause i didn't see our school as having anyone unique besides Hana, who didn't even end up winning, which is stupid, but oh well.
I'm falling behind in college stuff again, and apparently my admissions essay isnt good even though i put a lot into it, which really disappointed me.
But feeling great, got a lot of my chest today, drama gone, working out, and i made a really cool poaster with help for my clubs that im really proud of.
So, now i really need to get to work on my Halloween/Genericon costume. going as ash, should be lots of awesome if i get it done
Saturday, August 7, 2010
finnaly writing my story
Well, a few months ago i told people about a story idea i had, well I'm finally starting it. I spent the last few hours working on a setting, a map, and the 2 key plot points (aka the character love triangle thing and the war itself) I've decided that the war itself was set up by the ruler as a popularity boost. This land is inhabited by humans and "giants"( they stand between 6.5 to 8 ft in general and some of their bottom teeth are longer and stick out above their lip like small tusks) The ruler, when coming to power, set up a propaganda campaign against the beasts, and called for an extermination of them to make the land pure. The people loved this idea due to the propaganda campaign that was going on for quite a while, and thus they supported the war. And of course, this means that our protagonists are actually evil, trying to exterminate a race that did nothing to them. This sets up the war and everything that is to follow. I'm still working on more plot points, and i don't have much int he way of character concepts as of yet, but i hope to keep working on it. Oh and if anyone has ideas for names of people or countries i could always use some help, names aren't really my strong suit, lol, i don't want to use names of people i know in real life, but i want actual names,or at least names that aren't fail, thus i face a dilemma. Anyway, that is all for now, so lets hope i don't get bored of this story before i get far enough
Friday, August 6, 2010
and this week...
only one week of camp left... finally read brisinger and lord sunday as well as a few other things, both excited and aprehensive for when camp is over. I need to worry about college applications now... and im still not sure where i really want to go, not to mention i need to get my eagle award, otherwise these last 8 years have been a waste. And when i'm finally home for the weekends most of my friends are too busy to hang out with me. oh well life goes on
I tripped andfell today when running from my tent in an effort to not be late to lunch, bloodied my elbow and cracked my ipod, fun fun oh well, life goes on
I tripped andfell today when running from my tent in an effort to not be late to lunch, bloodied my elbow and cracked my ipod, fun fun oh well, life goes on
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
R.I.P.
My grandfather, Jerry Lather passed away this Monday around 5 in the morning. I got a call around 6 that i missed and the voice mail told me to call my dad back. My dad called again at about 7:45, right as I was going down for the flag raising ceremony at camp. That's how I found out. It took a lot to not start crying in front of the campers.
For the next 2 days I put on a strong front and continued to teach the scouts. Today i finally left so that I could go to the Wake, which is today, and the Funeral, which is tomorrow. I will be serving at the mass and be one of the pallbearers. I cant stop crying, I saw my grandpa 3 weeks ago, he seemed fine, he talked to me, gave me my birthday present, we talked a little and I walked away. The rest of my family got to see him again on the 4th, but i was working, i missed my last chance to see him.
My mom will be speaking at the wake tonight, i cant listen to her speech, i cant stand the part where she talks about how they've had so many chances to see him recently and shes glad for that, because i missed most of them.
And i'm crying again, I cant stop, I miss him, I have so many regrets for this past year, i wish i could just go back and do it all again, moving on is so hard
For the next 2 days I put on a strong front and continued to teach the scouts. Today i finally left so that I could go to the Wake, which is today, and the Funeral, which is tomorrow. I will be serving at the mass and be one of the pallbearers. I cant stop crying, I saw my grandpa 3 weeks ago, he seemed fine, he talked to me, gave me my birthday present, we talked a little and I walked away. The rest of my family got to see him again on the 4th, but i was working, i missed my last chance to see him.
My mom will be speaking at the wake tonight, i cant listen to her speech, i cant stand the part where she talks about how they've had so many chances to see him recently and shes glad for that, because i missed most of them.
And i'm crying again, I cant stop, I miss him, I have so many regrets for this past year, i wish i could just go back and do it all again, moving on is so hard
Saturday, July 10, 2010
role model
well, i have found a new role model, someone to aspire to be like. His name was Icarus, for those who don't know he was the son of Daedalus, the master craftsman who created the labyrinth. He and his father were imprisoned on Crete, to escape, his father built two sets of wings made from feathers and wax, which they then used to fly away from the island of their exile. Before they took off, Daedalus warned Icarus to not fly too close to the sun for it would melt the wax, and not to fly too close to the sea for it would make the wings wet and make it hard to fly. Overjoyed with the feeling of flight, Icarus soared up into the sky, but he got to close to the sun which melted the wings, and he then fell to his death.
I wish i could be like him, to be able to ignore the consequences of my actions and just have fun, like everyone else seems to be able to do.
I wish i could be like him, to be able to ignore the consequences of my actions and just have fun, like everyone else seems to be able to do.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
new things
shes saying everyone deserves a second chance because she made a mistake a lost a friend over it, ha this makes me laugh. why should one get a second chance when they wouldn't give one.
on a better note camp in a few weeks, cant wait to gtc and all stress and drama is gone
on a better note camp in a few weeks, cant wait to gtc and all stress and drama is gone
Monday, May 24, 2010
prom is over, as is the weekend.
Things went great with prom, i asked the girl out and all went well. Im dead tired, got very little sleep and biked a few miles yesterday after a day of dancing and bowling.
Also my friend isnt pissed at me for asking her out so thats great.
besides that, lots of school projects, going to walk on water in AP Chemistry in a few days, and we keep going outside to play frisbee or kickball in my classes, so life's going pretty good
still have to tell a friend something that could destroy them... not going to be fun, i dont know if ill ever get up the courage
Things went great with prom, i asked the girl out and all went well. Im dead tired, got very little sleep and biked a few miles yesterday after a day of dancing and bowling.
Also my friend isnt pissed at me for asking her out so thats great.
besides that, lots of school projects, going to walk on water in AP Chemistry in a few days, and we keep going outside to play frisbee or kickball in my classes, so life's going pretty good
still have to tell a friend something that could destroy them... not going to be fun, i dont know if ill ever get up the courage
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Prom tonight
Well my ex and i broke up a few weeks ago, i managed to find another date to prom fortunately, but my ex was pissed that i found someone to go with so quickly, she though i just got over her like that, which isnt the case cause im still depressed about it. now a bunch of my friends are hurting her and making fun of her which is the last thing i wanted but shes just getting more depressed and will never tell me whats wrong, i wanted us to stay friends but one of her best friends hates my guts and never lets us be around each other, i dotn think she wants to be around me any more anyway because i couldnt do anything about my friends saying things about her.
I know some secrets that are killing me inside but if i let them out bad things will happen, but i dont think it will be much longer unti; they come out anyway.
life goes on, and it seems my number of close friends has dropped again because of losing my ex, but on a better note ive started and dungeons and dragons group wich should be lots of fun, im DM.
Prom is tonight, im taking a friend ive liked for a long time but i havnt really talked to her for quite a while, she goes to a different high school now and thus we sort of fell apart but im glad for this oportunity, however one of my best friend went out with her before and still likes her, that may cause problems if she sees me as anything more than a friend, so idk if i want her to see me a just a friend or not.
oh well, now i have to go clean the house cause people are comign over for pictures beofore prom, adios
I know some secrets that are killing me inside but if i let them out bad things will happen, but i dont think it will be much longer unti; they come out anyway.
life goes on, and it seems my number of close friends has dropped again because of losing my ex, but on a better note ive started and dungeons and dragons group wich should be lots of fun, im DM.
Prom is tonight, im taking a friend ive liked for a long time but i havnt really talked to her for quite a while, she goes to a different high school now and thus we sort of fell apart but im glad for this oportunity, however one of my best friend went out with her before and still likes her, that may cause problems if she sees me as anything more than a friend, so idk if i want her to see me a just a friend or not.
oh well, now i have to go clean the house cause people are comign over for pictures beofore prom, adios
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
12 Majestic lies
Ok, well i did some thinking today and I am going to post my 12 majestic lies, and I dare some of you out there to post some of your own. Here i will posts truths to my lies.
This idea came from a blink 182 song while i was on a bus on the way home, Aliens exist, anyway so here they are, my 12 Majestic lies
1.Technically i have only had one girlfriend i did not cheat on, doesnt sound as bad when you find out I have only had 3 girlfriends but it is still bad, in one case it was a kiss, in another i did some rps with someone without thinking enough to say no.
2. I fear that I am gay or bi almost as much as other people seam to think i am, i just never admitted my fear because then no one would have any doubt left.
3.I say it doesnt hurt me because if i said it did it would just happen more, but it hurts, every time someone laughs at me or pulls a prank on me it hurts because there is nowhere i can put my grief besides inside
4. I hate most of my friends, most of them hate me too so its all good
5. I actually do have a problem with hitting women, i say i don't because i will if they deserve it and no one else will, because in my opiniuon its better to be awful than to be a hypocrite.
6. I actually dont think the beatles are that bad, i just think that they dont deserve the amount of fame they got, there songs wern't great but they wernt awful either.
7.I hate standing out, i just am unable to act like the rest of society.
8.I actually do care that people like morgan and caitlyn(sp) hate me.
9.I actually do think WoW is more important than my social life
10.My only reason for not knowing if i want to go to Duke for college or not is Taylor and Tyler, they are they only people i really think i would miss
11. I dont think i have a good singing voice, i just like annoying people with my singing
12. Whenever my friends aren't around i dont really care about my cats, they are just there and often in the way, nothing fun and exciting.
I coulnt really think of anything for a while, probably took me 30 min to come up with the 12. wow
This idea came from a blink 182 song while i was on a bus on the way home, Aliens exist, anyway so here they are, my 12 Majestic lies
1.Technically i have only had one girlfriend i did not cheat on, doesnt sound as bad when you find out I have only had 3 girlfriends but it is still bad, in one case it was a kiss, in another i did some rps with someone without thinking enough to say no.
2. I fear that I am gay or bi almost as much as other people seam to think i am, i just never admitted my fear because then no one would have any doubt left.
3.I say it doesnt hurt me because if i said it did it would just happen more, but it hurts, every time someone laughs at me or pulls a prank on me it hurts because there is nowhere i can put my grief besides inside
4. I hate most of my friends, most of them hate me too so its all good
5. I actually do have a problem with hitting women, i say i don't because i will if they deserve it and no one else will, because in my opiniuon its better to be awful than to be a hypocrite.
6. I actually dont think the beatles are that bad, i just think that they dont deserve the amount of fame they got, there songs wern't great but they wernt awful either.
7.I hate standing out, i just am unable to act like the rest of society.
8.I actually do care that people like morgan and caitlyn(sp) hate me.
9.I actually do think WoW is more important than my social life
10.My only reason for not knowing if i want to go to Duke for college or not is Taylor and Tyler, they are they only people i really think i would miss
11. I dont think i have a good singing voice, i just like annoying people with my singing
12. Whenever my friends aren't around i dont really care about my cats, they are just there and often in the way, nothing fun and exciting.
I coulnt really think of anything for a while, probably took me 30 min to come up with the 12. wow
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
moderately less depressed
I came to a realization today, i am really proud of it though it took me this long to realize. No one is ever happy, just moderately less depressed, it took quite a bit to realize but its out now and things start to make sense.
1st off i have recently read Watchmen and am currently reading V for Vendetta, am thinking of rereading the prince by Niccolo Machiavelli and a few other books about the evils of humankind, and other things like that.
Its really refreshing, you know? to see someone who is able to just say how awful humans are? that's my new goal, to be like them. i idolize those authors for their understanding of human nature, and their ability to show the world.
We are never happy, never even content, just more or less depressed than we were. I was talking with someone i used to be friends with, she was spassing at me for hurting my ex girlfriend with some texts today because she said some things to my current girlfriend. Anyway, the point of telling you that is that this is what has finally proven to me this truth that i stated, and she was the first person i told, she laughed it off as a bunch of rubbish, that made me smile, how its so obvious to me, how i will finally see when i look.
earlier in the convo she said something about how she would rather hold a grudge forever than move on, and then i realised this one truth, that equals many others, yet is still surpassed.
On a different note 2 good things have happened in my life:
i have finally decided on my religion, I can say i am a deist, someone who believes god created everything, watched for a while, then left to go on to bigger and better things, ro to lase about doing nothing.
The second is during church the other day i finnaly came up with an idea for a story after my recent ideas fissled out and i got bored of them, its going to be about a healer, or a priest if u used gaming terms, in a war, and the woman he loves who is a soldier becomes deathly injured, the healer will give up his life to save her, to bring her back from the brink of death, his body falls to the ground old and withered, and in the background the army officer lets a tear slip as the man he loved gave his life to save the one who he had feelings for. thats right i said he. So he has a conflict in himself to either hate this woman who received his loves life, or care for her as his love would have wanted. in other words guy loves guy who loves girl, guy 2 gives life to save girl, guy 1 doesnt know how to feel.
and somewhere im going to prove that human kind is never happy, that will be the theme, i like it, as long as i dont get bored again i think it will turn out well
1st off i have recently read Watchmen and am currently reading V for Vendetta, am thinking of rereading the prince by Niccolo Machiavelli and a few other books about the evils of humankind, and other things like that.
Its really refreshing, you know? to see someone who is able to just say how awful humans are? that's my new goal, to be like them. i idolize those authors for their understanding of human nature, and their ability to show the world.
We are never happy, never even content, just more or less depressed than we were. I was talking with someone i used to be friends with, she was spassing at me for hurting my ex girlfriend with some texts today because she said some things to my current girlfriend. Anyway, the point of telling you that is that this is what has finally proven to me this truth that i stated, and she was the first person i told, she laughed it off as a bunch of rubbish, that made me smile, how its so obvious to me, how i will finally see when i look.
earlier in the convo she said something about how she would rather hold a grudge forever than move on, and then i realised this one truth, that equals many others, yet is still surpassed.
On a different note 2 good things have happened in my life:
i have finally decided on my religion, I can say i am a deist, someone who believes god created everything, watched for a while, then left to go on to bigger and better things, ro to lase about doing nothing.
The second is during church the other day i finnaly came up with an idea for a story after my recent ideas fissled out and i got bored of them, its going to be about a healer, or a priest if u used gaming terms, in a war, and the woman he loves who is a soldier becomes deathly injured, the healer will give up his life to save her, to bring her back from the brink of death, his body falls to the ground old and withered, and in the background the army officer lets a tear slip as the man he loved gave his life to save the one who he had feelings for. thats right i said he. So he has a conflict in himself to either hate this woman who received his loves life, or care for her as his love would have wanted. in other words guy loves guy who loves girl, guy 2 gives life to save girl, guy 1 doesnt know how to feel.
and somewhere im going to prove that human kind is never happy, that will be the theme, i like it, as long as i dont get bored again i think it will turn out well
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