Blogy Blog of rant-ness

So, blah, this is just going to be a rant to get things out of my head, feel free to not read, if anyone even is anymore.

I'm so sick of people in general, i keep trying to be kind, I keep trying to bring friends into my life in the hopes that I'll actually have a close friend again, my best friend and I still hang out but we have so little in common anymore, he hangs out with my twin sister more than me now, that's just the kind of person he's become. And in the midst of slowly forcing myself to realize i'm not as close to him as I used to be I also have to recognize how it often seems not of my friends want me around the first example that pops into my head of course is today, I sat at home being bored and playing zelda, The person who i really wish i was a lot closer to and 2 of my other friends got together and hung out. Normally this wouldn't seem so bad to most people, i mean people need time without some of there friends, no one wants to spend every second of their life with anyone, but it happens all the time, my friends get together and hang out all day and the few times I have asked about it there reasoning was that the rest of them were in walking distance but they didn't walk there anyway, i'm all of a 4 minute drive away. And These are the same friends that I invited up to the farm, and a bunch of other places, they have fun, they come hang out with me and my family and other people, and then they don't invite me to anything they're doing ever.

The end result is I sit at home waiting for anybody to sign on to save me from this monotony if thrust myself into.

It doesn't help that the girl I like doesn't like me back, and the other girl i'm interested in who i thought wanted to go out with me isn't sure anymore. So ive slowly been forced back into the social void I finally though I had escaped in 9th grade, except now i know what I'm missing, and the abrasive thoughts wont go away when I start thinking how I'd do anything to escape, but I'd do even more if it meant my friends actually wanting me around or the girl i want to be willing to give me a chance .

I know what I'm missing now and It sucks, i wish i had just been left in my void back when I could be happy just sitting around playing video games by myself all day, back when I didn't care what the world was doing because I was content being in one of my own.

Im sick and tired of crying every night thinking that I am so far behind in everything I need to be doing, and how I got nothing accomplished that day.

I wish I could go back and change who I became when I was younger, I wish i could change my ideologies, my beliefs, everything, i'm not happy being lousy old Trevor Molineaux who isn't liked by his friends and cant escape to his own world anymore because he let it go when he thought he could make it in the real world , I want to be someone else, anyone else, not this lazy, crazy, depressed thing that sits at his computer everyday.

I guess its just another night that ill fall asleep with tears in my eyes and bad thoughts in my head.

And that was my rant, sorry you read through that if you got to this point

friendships and relationships

well, friendship is an odd thing at the best of times and I rarely understand any of it. I really like one of my friends, but unfortunately they dont like me the same way, so i got turned down by them, which makes sense, but it still hurts because I've liked them for a really long time. On the other hand, I finally have someone to try to help me get over them, so i wont be lonely any more which will hopefully help.
So, im trying to preserve friendships, but thats not the only one, my friends have all been drifting apart which really sucks, and i have next to none close friends left, besides the aforementioned girl I like. But I cant really see a point in trying to bring them all together again seeing how in a few months i wont see most of them again, its quite depressing.
Oh well friendship is a weird thing, just like love it ebbs and flows, it grows and dies, and sometimes its better that it does stop, but that doesn't mean there wont be scars.
Well, that's the extent of my rambling for today, a tale of loves lost, but in the end i guess it doesn't matter.

Harry Potter

so, just thought you should know, i just got my ticket for the midnight showing tomorrow night, its gonna be awesome :) you're jealous. well walking home at 3 in the morning on a school night in the cold might suck, but the movie will be worth it.

in other news, i finally got Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of time and am playing that through for the first time ever, yeah I know I fail but at least I've got it now, and then I'm playing FF7 again, and that's really the entirety of my life, sort of boring, oh well I find the time to have fun.

the meaning is...

So, I hate being single, and i almost started going out with one of my friends because of this. Not a good plan, not only would it have probably ended up hurting our relationship, but also because it would prove another of my friends theories that i'm a serial monogamist, which in truth I am. Since my sophomore year I've had 4 girlfriends, and with gaps of less than a month in between each. Before I had my first girlfriend I didn't really know what I was missing, but after that I realized just how much being single sucked, and thus whenever I found myself to be single again I would try to remedy that as swiftly as possible.
Well, thankfully I realized before it was too late, that while i do like this friends as more than a friend, it wouldn't be fair to her because if i wasn't just desperate to not be single I might not have wanted to ask her out, well that and that I really like someone else who, unfortunately, doesn't like me back.
So after being flirtatious for a week or two, i told her what I've been thinking and she hasn't said a word to me since. In truth I did lead her on, and I am an awful person, but I didn't really know what I wanted.
But all the events of the past few weeks have gotten me back on a "what is the meaning" thing. I've been wondering if the meaning of life could really be something so simple as love if it comes and goes so readily, or maybe that's just because I don't know what it really is yet. Oh well, this whole questioning is probably just because of my recent rejection, but oh well, life is funny, and every event has extenuating circumstances.

hypocracy again

so, today i used the word fagot to yell at someone who pissed me off. This is not a normal Trevor thing, well the yelling at people is I suppose, but I'm trying to work on that. But yeah, i hat the word fagot, im not gay, and I have a few gay friends who dont care about the word fagot at all, but i still feel bad for using it. So this is my apology to the universe for that.

On another note, i had an interview with a navy guy for my NROTC scholarship and when he was asking about all my extra curriculars I said something about the gsa without thinking about it. After explaining it he gave me this stare, and I felt really stupid for bringing it up, oh well lesson learned. lol i fail.

marathoning harry potter tomorrow, cant wait for all 15 hours of it

This week...

Well I had a fun Halloween week, and a few extra days added in cause i haven't posted in a while. I saw Rocky Horror Picture Show twice live, which was a lot of fun, and I was even on the news in a dress. I'm not so sure why I'm so willing to dress up for rocky horror, but I have a lot of fun doing it, and i don't really care how it changes what people think of me, well most people at least. there are a few people who i don't think think any less of me for doing it but it would really hurt me to find out that it did, but oh well.

I went as Ash Ketchum for Halloween and it disappointed me how few people recognized me, but it was still fun, And this weekend I'm going to my friends masquerade so that'll be cool.

also upcoming is a 15 hour and 2 minute screening of the first 6 harry potter movies this weekend in preparation for the next movie's release. me and 4 friends will be staying up all night at my house and here's hoping we don't all fall asleep.

in other news for the last week or so I pissed one of my friends off who now thinks i was leading her on, and another one of my friends doesn't like me back the way i want them to, but oh well, relationship drama and all that fun stuff. Life goes on. hopefully everything will turn out all right.

until next time, remember that you must deserve to receive, try and fight all you wish, if you don't deserve it, i hope you the best of luck.