I was sitting in church this morning, it being a regular Sunday morning where between the hours of 11 and 12 I am not in between my covers like any sensible person on a Sunday but at church, and I started to wonder why I was really there.
Now, as most of my friends know I have been unsure of my beliefs for a while, and I don't count myself to be a Holy Roman Catholic, even though I attend a Holy Roman Catholic church almost every Sunday, was baptized and confirmed as a catholic, and have been an alter server for the last 5 or 6 years. Of course I still put catholic on my college applications and any other form because that is always how I've identified myself, ever since I was really young. It was the first belief system I was exposed to and I really don't know if I have the ability to stop myself from identifying with it.
In 9th grade I head the term Deism for the first time and I realized that this was a lot closer to what I actually believed. Deism is the idea that god exists, he created gthe earth and the universe and everything else, but he got tired or sick of his creations and abandoned them, he left to go make something new, something he could be happier with.
However, being brought up catholic, I haven't stopped believing that Jesus was the son of God, and I try to reason with myself saying, well whats to say god wouldn't look back from time to time and try to fix things, after all Deism is referred to as "The Watchmaker Theory" but if a watch is broken you bring it back to the maker to fix it right? I also still pray to a god, that according to my beliefs, wouldn't be listening to me, and of course, I still want to believe in heaven, or some kind of existence after death. I mean, these are the reasons humankind supposedly invented religion in the first place for, right? and Deism doesn't really fix any of these problems.
I remember a few months ago one of my friends asking me why I still prayed and I really had no answer for her, the best thing I could come up with were 1. whats the harm, in case I'm wrong, 2. Because the rest of my family does it during meals too, and 3. I don't want to completely forsake the beliefs I grew up with. But I still wonder about this, I don't really know what I'm doing anymore because I want to believe in a God that's watching over us, keeping us safe and all that, but to me its so much more realistic to believe in a god that has left us for something better.
And my final point on the subject is that what is the point in believing in Deism, I mean Christianity has the whole heaven idea, but for me deism and atheism both end in nothingness, what is the purpose of believing then?
One other thing is that this weekend I started watching the anime The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya. It is quite awesome, funny and very weird, and I definitely intend on finishing it at some point, but I find it really funny how it relates to this discussion. Haruhi is supposedly a God, she created the world we know because she wanted it to exists, and then her wants shaped the world, so things like aliens and people from the future and espers existed, but the plot is that she is growing bored of this world and some aliens, future men, and espers see this and worry that she will abandon this world and create a new one and by leaving she could very well destroy this one, and they cant expose to her that the things she wants to exist really do exists because if they become every day things then she might grow bored of them too and thus the problem recreates itself. So then they go about trying to keep her happy with the world as is, oh and btw she is a high school student so that just makes things even more fun, and a perfectly normal boy is dragged into all this too because she starts to like him.
But yeah, if anyone has anything to say that they think could appease my worrying about my belifs feel free to shoot, not that I really think my problems with it can be solved so easily.
Oh and this wednesday is Pretend to be a Time Traveler Day, its an actualy holiday full of awesome, and hopefully I'll actually participate this year, maybe I'll update with stories
I claim myself as a Buddhist but I was baptized in a Methodist church. I go to the Grafton Peace Pagoda more than I go to church (I only go on Christmas). I celebrate both Christian and traditional Japanese holidays. I'm a bit confused myself. I think my beliefs are a conglomerate of a whole bunch of stuff so I end up calling it Hanaism. I don't think that's much of a problem. Its like asking yourself why you like two kinds of fruit.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, on a side note, you remind me of Kyon. You're too nice, pretty normal, and get easily mixed up in things you don't want to be a part of.
ReplyDeletehmm, i guess that makes sense, i mean no two people really share the exact same belief patterns, there will always be minute differences. and good analogy, though i think it might be a bit simplistic for this scenario, lol.
ReplyDeleteHow am I too nice? and wasn't i sort of kind of voted least normal of the class? lol. but i see what you mean for the last part, i find my way into way to much drama that I wish i could avoid, i suppose I can sort of relate with him.
How are you too nice? LOL. You radiate niceness if you haven't noticed! You hardly ever bash people unless they're someone you've had a history with and you do many small things that peg you as a nice person. You hold the door for people, you don't push people in the hallways, etc.
ReplyDeleteI think you are a very normal person...except the cross-dressing part....that's a whole different story...
And you get mixed up in drama BECAUSE you are too nice. See, I think of myself as a horrible person because I usually sit back and watch the show if I didn't instigate it, not trying to stop it at all, just for my own amusement, or if I DID instigate it, it was because I was bored or tired of a person. Oh, and I don't stop until I win. See how you're a nice person?