24 hours of alone time isn't enough

So, camp is almost 2/3 of the way over and I'm getting really tired of it, I mean theres the whole only 1 day away every week, which really sucks, and the same food over and over again is becoming a hassle but oh well, at least there's lots of magicking going on and we watched rocky horror last night which was pretty awesome. Speaking of magicking, we are doing a draft at camp and 1 guy pulled 3 planes walkers out of 6 packs, for those non-magickers that's roughly $76 in cards for his $20 not to mention the other rares he pulled as well.

Oh well, it happens, just kinda jealous and ranty.

on another note, I only get to see my love twice a week, which is no good especially since before camp I was essentially seeing her every day. And we both have our schedules set up for college, but of course we don't have a lot of free time together where I could catch the shuttle over to HVCC and hang out with her :/

Student orientation at RPI was pretty sucky too, I kinda failed at the socializing aspect of ti because that's just who I am, I spent the majority of the time just hanging out with Hannah because I already knew her, and I never really introduced myself to anyone besides this girl named Shawn and another girl named Luna, both of which were pretty awesome. Then I got shafted on my schedule and couldn't get into any of the time slots I wanted so now I have classes all day instead of right in the morning so I could get them out of the way. And apparently Hannah got shafted even worse than I did, so yeah the whole process was nowhere near as well thought out as it could have been in my opinion.

On a final note for today, I got into another fight with another one of my friends because of my ideologies. She tried to apologize but I spurned here and I don't really know if I should try to talk to her, right now it all just kinda disgusts me, but I guess on a better note I might be giving some older friends another chance, depending on the next few weeks.

Another Poem I found

Solitude

Laugh, and the world laughs with you;
Weep, and you weep alone.
For the sad old earth must borrow it's mirth,
But has trouble enough of its own.
Sing, and the hills will answer;
Sigh, it is lost on the air.
The echoes bound to a joyful sound,
But shrink from voicing care.

Rejoice, and men will seek you;
Grieve, and they turn and go.
They want full measure of all your pleasure,
But they do not need your woe.
Be glad, and your friends are many;
Be sad, and you lose them all.
There are none to decline your nectared wine,
But alone you must drink life's gall.

Feast, and your halls are crowded;
Fast, and the world goes by.
Succeed and give, and it helps you live,
But no man can help you die.
There is room in the halls of pleasure
For a long and lordly train,
But one by one we must all file on
Through the narrow aisles of pain.

Ella Wheeler Wilcox

Summer

Ok, so tomorrow is the last day of high school. It's kinda sad, but I'm hanging out with friends after and I still have another week and a half before I head off to camp to abandon everyone.

I have basically been playing nonstop magic for the last few weeks, and that's fun, we might try to turn my elf deck into a legit legacy deck, so that could be fun, if a bit expensive. I've officially worked my last day as a pizza boy for now, and have the week off till camp, why do I feel like its just going to be sitting around bored since I already only talk to like 5 people.

I've handed in the last of my things for RPI, at least that's what I thought until I got more main from them, saying I have to mail more stuff out by July 2nd, but at least this is just choosing where I was to go with some people from my freshmen class the week before school starts. Speaking of which, I have no idea what to do. There is a white water rafting one, and a rock climbing/spelunking one, a long hike at lake George, and a high ropes course, as well as more, and I have no idea which one I want to go to, they all sound awesome.

So, a weird thing happened to me today. Someone asked me why I stopped talking to someone, they said that they had heard a reason and really hoped I hadn't let something so small ruin my friendship. So I told them that I stopped talking to those people because they started doing pot. The person said that this was a stupid reason, that it was such a small part of their life that it shouldn't even matter to me, especially since they wouldn't do it around me. Idk, I just found it really odd, when I tried to defen my stance they just kept saying that I was overreacting about something so small, and then I realized 2 things, 1. that I would only have to deal with them for 1 more day and 2. that I was happier now, I had no trouble with the fact that I couldn't trust them anymore, they are just people again, albeit people who I used to be close to, but now they just don't matter, they're just 2 more of the pot heads at our school that I'll never need to associate with again.

A poem(not by myself)

The Dream

I dreamed that you had ceased to love me—
not that you had come from other beds
back to mine, or gone from mine to others,
just that something in your heart had stopped.

I willed myself awake to find you still
beside me. It was just a dream, I thought,
yet when I turned to kiss you, in your eyes
I saw that you had ceased to love me.

I willed myself awake a second time
to find myself alone, as I have been
these many months, but did not know if it
was terror or relief I felt, and whether

dreams unfold the past or make the future
plain. I dreamed that you had ceased to love me,
and know when I see nothing in your eyes
I can't dream myself awake a third time.


David Solway

Stumbleupon brought me to a page just now and all that was on that page was this poem. It's quite sad, and the worst part is knowing what its like to be the other person, the one who stopped loving, and I guess thats why this poem says a lot to me.

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT!

I need help deciding on a totem for summer camp this year. So let me explain what I mean at camp we have the dining hall and all the campers go to their tables and each table grabs a totem that represents a staff member. The staff member then goes and sits at that table. Last year I used a large stuffed gorilla and the year before I used a howler monkey, but I don't know what I should use this year, any ideas?

also, if anyone knows any good campfire songs and skits I would appreciate it if you could pass them along to me cause I need to have 2 ready for summer.

This upcoming week:

So, a lot of stuff is going to be happening this week, and here's how things are looking:
1.Carrie will be having her baby boy, and I will finally have a nephew, that should be tuesday that they induce labor.
2.June rolls around
3.The pool is officially up to 85 degrees and soon enough there will probably be a pool party for a large number of my friends
4.I will start my final project in physics that I still have no clue how to go about doing
5.I will start my political alphabet book for PIG that is going to take a few hours D:
6.I will be buying/trading more magic cards trying to finish my decks before camp starts
7.My D and D group should have our first run.
8.last but certainly not least Lots of Ice Cream and soda while lounging in the sun :D

so yeah, that's my life atm, I just need to convince myself to go outside more often

oh, and I cont forget operation "turn TJ's babies into super geeks" will begin. TJ is my sisters husband, and he's made a few comments about how their baby boy, Rex, who will soon be born, is going to be raised to be a quarter back. so, I am going to sabotage this plan by turning Rex and my nieces into dice rolling, magic playing, super geek babies.

School draws to a close

So, 15 more days of high school and 2 projects left to do in that time, and nothing matters any more. weeeeeee.
On a videogame related note:I havn't been playing any, whats wrong with me? I havn't touched WoW, FF, or anything else besides when I have friends over who ant to play brawl. Well I've also been playing Pokemon but I'm not even battling, only hatching eggs for a shiny cause I fail that much. I havn't even played portal 2 yet, though I love the new ending song(don;t tell anyone but I like it even more than still alive) I also wasted like 36 hours of my life on the videogame for the pokemon card game online over a course of 2 days, lol.

I've finnished 5 books over the last 2 weeks and have no idea what to read cause everything on my bookshelf that I haven't read looks boring and I cant find anything outstanding at the library. I need to continue the wheel of time series, but its too daunting, also I have no idea where I left off, and I dont want to have to reread the first 5 books. There's also game of thrones but it will take me like 3 months to read each of those books. I'm having trouble picking up large books now caused the last 3 series I've read have been easy to read 400 pages each, not too small print, just fun. You know a 2 or 3 day read and I no longer know how to stay interested for long stretches of time. maybe this explains why I havn't blogged in forever lol.

I have a major problem, I have spent well over $100 on magic cards in the last few weeks... and I have no intention of stopping any time soon XD. I basically blew half the money I had saved up in 1 weekend. Really someone, I need help, how am I going to buy food in college when I blow all my money like this?

Now, I need to go learn a ton of stuff about Nuclear physics for a science project, 2 important questions, how would one go about building a model nuclear reactor and warhead? and How would one bring a model nuclear warhead into school without getting in serious trouble?

Car Crashes and Junk

Well, last night, on my way back from a pizza delivery, I crashed my car. It's a little beat up, but drivable, and I'm fine. I took a turn and slid into a ditch. Some guy renewed my faith in humanity by helping me out then checking out the car. I was able to finish my shift and get home safely. My dad and I just fixed up the busted headlight, and hopefully everything is fine.

It was really weird though. I had my seatbelt on, and I don't really remember the car stopping. Just all of a sudden thinking why if everything so blurry? only to realize about 5 seconds later that my glasses were on the dashboard.

pokemon fanatic

So, over the last few weeks I have clocked about 40 or 50 hours into my Pokemon games, cause I'm awesome like that. I don't even have one of the new games yet, I'm just spending my time making an awesome team for Soul Silver again, I'm training for the right nature and IVs and then some EV training, why the hell do I enjoy this so much? lol

I haven't even started playing the game yet, just running back and forth breeding Pokemon for stats, something is wrong with me.

Fate?

So, i don't really know what to think right now. I didn't end up going to the farm this weekend, due to issues and instead I hung out at karahs house till pat 10, we baked some hand made carrot cake, and I tried a sloppy joe for the first time ever (disgusting, would highly not reccomend, lol). It was fun, and the carrot cake was yummy(also my first time trying that). So I got home, talked to some people on skype for a while, then went to sleep. This morning I woke up to my mom telling me that they got in a car crash last night at the farm.

She told me everyone was alright. There had been 9 of them in a 5 person car, and they hit sand, flew off the road, and landed vertically near a stream. Besides some minor scrapes and bruises they are all fine, but I can't help but think what if I had been there? I mean, none of them had seat belts on and its only because they were all so packed together that none of them were hurt too badly. I mean there were 3 people in the fron seat for Christs sake, and if it had been any less they probably would have gone flying. If I had been there we probably would have taken a 2nd car, meaning there would only be 5 people in that car and probably just as many seat belts being used as there actually were. Idk if that means they wouldn't have crashed, or if they still would have but with more horrid consequences.

Well, that's what's been on my mind all day, but I guess we just have to be thankful that everything turned out fine, and no one was injured too seriously.

Decisions, Decisions

Well, I have made up my mind and thats final, idk if its a good thing or a bad thing, but its whats whats. Unfortunately I will no longer be hanging out at my cousins farm, but oh well that just means I have a few more weekends that I can fill up with fun, right? Been having a pretty sucky week, what with arguments, everyone talking about science olympiad states, and not getting a sufficient amount of sleep. But on the plusside at least I have a job now, I do pizza delivery, but the place is almost never busy so I just get to sit around doing my hw or reading.

On a different note, I've been talking to people, and asking them opinions on my opinions due to once again being called opinionated, to which most of them responded that I was letting things get out of hand and I should probably back off. However, there were a few people who didn't say that. They told me my opinions were who I was, that I should let that dictate what I do, and what I accept. So yeah, I yelled at some people this week, and I had no right to, but at least I have security on my opinions again, and that's another thing I decided on, and the results wont be changing again.

on my current to do list:
Finish reading dune because I'm 400 pages in and I'm having trouble setting it down
Finish watching torchwood cause I haven't touched it in a while
and of course to continue watching Buffy, I enjoy it a lot more than I thought I would, I regret not listening to molly about watching it back when we were dating lol, oh well.

Oh and one decision I have yet to make is if I still want to go back to camp this year... I mean It's pay, no a lot but pay none the less, free room and bored, and I'll never really be bored. But at the same time it will be another summer barely seeing my girlfriend or any of the other friends I have left by then, and it will kinda be one of my last real chances to hang out with a lot of them. Oh well, I'll tackle that decision when Brian calls which should be in a week or two.

Existentialism

So, like I previously mentioned I did not get the NROTC scholarship I applied for, and thus finding money for college will be a hassle. The real problem with this was that I all of a sudden felt like I wasn't even smart enough for the Navy to want me, let alone colleges or anyone looking to hire out there. This coupled with the fact that people have always told me that I wouldn't need to worry, I could get in almost anywhere I wanted, really started to irritate me, because I couldn't even get a simple scholarship.
This past saturday I could go online at 7 and find out if I got into RPI, my first choice and the first school I would hear back from. I was hanging out with Nick till 7 then drove home to go find out, unfortunately on the ride home I had a bit of a mental breakdown. I had an existential crises, just thinking to myself "why am I here? what have I been doing for the last few years? I screwed myself over so thoroughly that I couldn't even get a scholarship, and now I get to go find out that RPI and every other school I applied to rejected me." I got home and checked the website and sure enough, I was accepted, so hopefully I can afford it and next year will be fun, but idk, I'm still pretty shaken up.

On a side note, It hit me today that I will be voting in the next presidential election, it just feels so weird, like I'm not mature enough yet, I'm nowhere near done maturing. I'm beginning to feel like adulthood really is underestimated, I'm not ready for life on my own.

Ok, survey time

So, Karah just broke up with be because according to her I was unfaithful. So here I must ask a question of you all, do you think cuddling with someone is cheating?
So I was as the farm last night and me and one of my friends were upstairs when we first decided to go to sleep and we cuddled for warmth. Is that really cheating? I mean I suppose I can understand someones significant other not liking it, and if they had asked you to do no such thing before sure, you're violating their trust. But is it really that unreasonable for someone to cuddle with a friend of the opposite sex?

I don't know what to say

I got my first piece of college/scholarship mail today. It was from the United States Navy, it was telling me that I was not selected for the NROTC application. This scholarship was really my only hope of paying for any sort of college, my parents cant afford both Kristen and myself. What the hell do I do now?

Rolemodels, double standards, and growing up

So, I was driving Tyler home and we were listening to a lot of Bowling for Soup songs while singing along in the car. This was after a day of hanging out with him, Karah, and one of Karahs friends. Of course the subject of drinking came up, along with other things like clubbing, hooking up, friends, ex-friends, and other not so fun subjects. But while driving, listening to this music, and just trying to have a good time I also started to think about role models and things like that.
Like I have said before, I have no idea where most of my ideologies came from and my questioning them hurts me. So I have no role model that has ever really tried to keep me on the straight and narrow, away from drugs and alcohol, and the other "evils" of society. But when I think about it, I have a favorite band, Bowling for Soup for those who don't know, and they, along with every other band in America drink. They probably also do other things but that's a different story. But my point is that these bands drink, they have songs about it, its socially accepted, and I grew up listening to it, so in all reasonableness, shouldn't I have grown up with these people as a roll model? Shouldn't I have been shown from a young age that its ok?

I don't understand why I like them now, when there are people that I hate just for the fact that they drink or do drugs. I mean, thats one of the main reasons for my dislike of the beatles, that they were so famous and everyone knew they were on all sorts of drugs, but it didn't matter because that's just the era they were in(insert other random excuses here). So why is it ok that a band drinks, and not when other people do it? I guess it comes down to age and laws. I never have a problem with an adult drinking, and yet for anyone under age I pass judgment on a case by case basis, most of the time resulting in me either hating them or trying to ignore the fact.

So, I met someone today, one of my girlfriends friends. He is in the army, and he's a fine guy, we had a fun time hanging out. And when I was making food he made a comment about some recipes that he experimented with while high and that turned out to be really good. Now this is where my mind starts creating double standards. I had been hanging out with him for a few hours before hand, He was in the army, I liked him, and then I found this out and I didn't know what to think. Fortunately he also said something about how he doesn't do it any more or else the rest of the evening would probably have been more awkward, but I really don't know what to think.

Is it ok to have opinions on someone based on what they used to do? do people really change? did he stop because he wanted to or because he had to? is he still that type of person? just so many questions I ask myself and then I just don't know weather or not I want the friend anymore.

God, I'm going to be so screwed when I get to college.

So I guess it's time for another rant

Well, brake goes fine and I've been pretty busy which is always good, however that also means I have yet to start the 10 hours of homework my teachers assigned. Whatever, I can get it done Saturday or Sunday, hopefully. Unfortunately, I have yet to pick up a book since break started, I've been too busy playing WoW or hanging out with people, well that and organizing my Magic cards because I had nothing better to do.
So have you ever started like a really big project then just set it down and say I'll come back to it later but then you never do because its really boring and now that it's half completed it looks like there's even more to do because everything is a mess? well thats what my room is like right now because I have magic cards everywhere that I was trying to make all neat and orderly and find the ones that are actually valuable.
On another note I have once again lost my cell phone, and of course this comes like 3 days after I got it fixed for the second time. Hopefully it will show up soon, but phones really need to vibrate louder so I can find them.
I finally put some job applications in because I currently have $10 to my name, so hopefully I'll have some means of obtaining money before camp starts.
And finally People aggravate me, and there are many instances of this popping up right now. In school for example, I'm in two big clubs, Mock Trial and Science Olympiad, both of them are clubs where we go to big competitions and compete against other schools in the hopes of moving on and winning. Well in Mock Trial one of our witnesses just quit because, even though this was his 2nd year in the club, he didn't know "how time consuming it would be." so now we need to throw one of our alternated into his spot and hope she learns her part quickly enough. in Science Olympiad I am on the B team, and we did really good at regionals , but our school can't afford to send both A and B team to states so A team gets to go and then a few other people who didn't make A Team get to go as the Spirit Squad, basically we would go and cheer on the A team at their events. there are 2 seniors who didn't make A team, Me and Hannah, Hannah is going as an alternate basically yet for some reason our coordinators decided the I wouldn't be on spirirt squad even though I put a ton of hours into all of my projects and I meddled in my events, one of which in an event even A team didn't place in. Sure there are some people on B team who deserve to go more than I do, but I put a ton of effort in and this is my final year there is no reason that I shouldn't have been part of the Spirit Squad. Prout and Morgan, the supervisors of Sci Oly, have just been making a lot of stupid decisions this year, like our executive counsel, there is someone on it that has been in the club for only 1 year whereas people who havwe been in it for 7 weren't chosen. Whatever, I'm just glad that I don't have to deal with them any more, I don't have to listen to their stress.

Science olympiad and whatnot

SO tomorrow is my Science Olympiad competition and I am stressed out right now, like very stressed out. Our maglev car doesn't work, so I need to beast the test with Hannah, and our protein only has a few addons, so I need to rock that test too, but alone. And then chemlab which I havnt really been studying for at all, because hopefully I'll have retained some knowledge of chemistry, same with my partner.

So yeha I'm kinda screwed, I mean I feel like I'm gonna let my partners down now, and idk if I'm going to place at all. But oh well, its not like I could get to states anyway, our school cant fund it. Hopefully I'll get to oin our spirit squad though.

Beyond that I have a Mock trial competition on tuesday, and then they are like every other week. Thank god all my college financial aid stuff is done now because theres no way I could put up with that stress too.

And I need to go about finding a job still to pay for gas now that I can drive.


But genericon starts in one week, and that means everything will be ok. Because its going to be awesome and I can forget everything for a while.

look out world

So, I am officially a licensed driver :) I passed my road test on my second try, and now I'm happy. And I got extra time on a math test today that I would have failed otherwise, so it was a pretty good day.

Another math test tomorrow, then thankfully I have most of the week off, just have to go back on Thursday for a physics exam. I need to find plans for the week, so far I'm going somewhere Friday night but the rest of the week is pretty much open.

As for school, it's now semester two and I couldn't be happier to be out of mythology, as fun as the subject is, a senile teacher isn't a good thing. I'm going to miss Think Tank though, it was fun and we had debates, but oh well, hopefully my pig and AP economic classes will be fun, though I need to think about what I'll do for my pig bill.

I'm going to miss 4th period lunch with molly though, I finally started getting closer to her after screwing things up last year. Hopefully she'll find someone else to sit with, and thankfully there will be quite a few people I know in 3rd period, I just hope its not too early for me.

On a book note, I finished the Temeraire books I owned last night and started dune, though its hard to transition, I hope I find the rest of the Temerarie series soon.

GAAAAAAAHHHHHH, that is all

A poem by E.E Cummings

Humanity i love you
because you would rather black the boots of
success than enquire whose soul dangles from his
watch-chain which would be embarrassing for both

parties and because you
unflinchingly applaud all
songs containing the words country home and
mother when sung at the old howard

Humanity i love you because
when you're hard up you pawn your
intelligence to buy a drink and when
you're flush pride keeps

you from the pawn shops and
because you are continually committing
nuisances but more
especially in your own house

Humanity i love you because you
are perpetually putting the secret of
life in your pants and forgetting
it's there and sitting down

on it
and because you are
forever making poems in the lap
of death Humanity

i hate you


Well, I like it, thats really all I have to say. His view of the world and mine seem to sync up .

My Wife

So, I went on omegle for the first time yesterday, well the first real time, I've been on for like 1 or 2 minutes before. And amid the penises and the surprisingly large number of female flashers I actually had 3 good conversation. One of which is a person I'm now married to lol. We talked for over an hour on omegle and since then we've been talking on facebook and whatnot. Is that weird? lol.
Karah got mad at me for posting something on this girls facebook wall about how she is my wife and we are happily in love. but it was really entertaining.

So 3 day weekend and so far I plan on going to winterfest, that's about it. wooh. I need to find friends who I can actually hang out with

Character Allignment

So, for those who have played D and D and for those who havn't I am discussing character alignment today. So a brief description: This is the basics of who your character is, the codes they follow, and who they associate with. there are nine different alignments good, neutral, and evil along one axis, and lawful, neutral, and chaotic along the other. Your character is any two of these and they are explained by many pictures like this: Batman Alignment Sheet though their true traits are hard to narrow down you get a pretty good idea of who someone is through their alignment.

Now in RPGs this works out great because often their main purpose is about the struggle between good and evil and whatnot, however when applied to real people it is less successful. People tend to associate with one more however its hard to fit perfectly into one of these categories. No one is the perfect goodie two shoes lawful good because of when good and law conflict, and its very hard to be true neutral on every subject.

Anyway, I bring this up because I want to talk about my own alignment. I have determined that I'm Lawful Neutral, meaning (according to wiki) A Lawful Neutral character typically believes strongly in Lawful concepts such as honor, order, rules and tradition, and often follows a personal code. Basically I follow the laws, not caring much if they are well reasoned or not. I feel anarchy is a poor option and there must be some sort of leader in any situation. Now, I tend to try to be the best person I can be in Good vs Evil however it is much less important to me than what is lawful. I know this may sound weird to some people but it makes perfect sense for me. It means I can do whatever I see as best for me instead of for the better cause as long as it isn't illegal. However it also means I dont go about trying to bend the rules to the best or worst cause.

I bring this up because I may or may not have been a assistant in the theft of a wet floor sign today, lol. Its really no big deal being a hunk of plastic that I'm sure the school has 50 more of but I still wasn't very happy about doing it, and ended up just sneaking it out to help my friends who couldn't hide it.

So what alignment do you think you are?

On a somewhat yet not entirely different note I have a question that I really cant contemplate an answer to. Why do some people have a problem with smoking but not drinking? especially on an under age level. Both are very harmful to your health, and both are also harmful to the people around you. I mean I can understand someone who doesn't have a problem with either, and I understand people like me who dislike both, I just don't get people who Hate one while participating in the other, can anyone explain this to me? thats all

Tomorrow

So I'm thinking that tomorrow I'm gonna try rocking a pony tail? what do you think? lol

So, super stressful week, after school till 4 or later every day, huge paper due soon, science olympiad competition on Saturday, etc. Gonna be fun, if I don't die from sleep deprivation that is.

The New Year

Ok, so I cry more than is commonly accepted for anyone of the male gender, this isn't news to me, but at this time of the year I find it particularly easy. A new year is starting, but I must think back on last year, all the opportunities I missed or messed up, everything I did wrong and that I'll never get a chance to try again. I saw a video on someones facebook about the world in 2010, what happened and now whats next. I find it hard not to cry. I mean, we're all one year closer to death, everything that we made such a big deal about last year will soon be forgotten and the human race moves on. In a few hundred years even our superstars wont be remembered.

I find it easy to draw a parallel to doctor who, when David Tennant was replaced with Matt Smith. He had fought to keep his life and now he was dieing again. His last lines were "I don't want to go" In the end we all must go, but I think about that statement personifying the year, It must leave no matter what, and sure the next one will be the same thing, just as each doctor is still the same being, but its still completely different, The doctor is a different man with different looks and different personalities, the year will have its own challenges and joys, but when it comes right down to it we can never go back. The world is changed and we will move on.

This year or that year, it doesn't make a difference, because no matter what it will have been forgotten in the end.