well, i had an epiphany today and it made me feel really stupid. I took a look at where I am right now and asked if i could change anything what would it be, and that was pretty clear to me, and I asked myself why not change it and the answer again was clear, i dont want to hurt people, I also dont want to be left halfway there and finding out that there was never an actual endpoint in sight.
After this i started thinking about my friends, or the people i call my friends, or want to be friends with, or dont want to be friends with. The people who i see as part of the group, part of my group, part of that group, or just the people. I tried to see where i fit in, and where i was trying to make myself fit in. I realized that i only care about a few of my friends, there are only a few people that care about me that I actually want around, but I also realized that I've let a lot of people i used to be close to slip away, and that's where a lot of my discomfort comes from now, Peter and I have hung out once in the last 3 or 4 years, Tyler and I have only seen each other once in the last 2 months if not more.
And then it hit me, in a few more months most of these people will probably never, or very rarely, hear from me again, whether they be the ones i care about or not. so I need to make the most of the time I have, without making myself feel like im imposing on them.
And I had one last thought today, that i'm not sure if i want to risk ruining a friendship even if it might make me happier for a while, but mistakes are made, they cant be taken back, and sooner or latter I'll make my choice take a risk or stay safe, hurt someone or possibly hurt myself, its all so confusing.
I just hope i dont lose everyone at the end of the school year, the few I care about are much too important for that.
Trevor, just think of this. Say, your friends are soda bottles. Your true friends are the ones that can be shaken up and turned upside down by you and not explode when you open the top. The people who are NOT your friends are the ones who will explode when you open the top. So a TRUE friend is someone who will continue to keep in touch and stay by your side even if something horrible happens. I plan to go halfway around the world after we graduate. I'll still keep in touch with you and everybody else who is my friend though, whether it be facebook, e-mail, skype, MSN, mail, etc.
ReplyDeleteyeah, wow i never thought of that, you're just going to poof and not be around any of us again or at least for a long while, but while I intend on trying to keep in touch with people I know that some are going to get left behind that i hope wont, but oh well, and doesn't that mean my friends are flat and boring? lol :P
ReplyDeleteLol, if they were your friend enough, they would make an effort to stay in your life.
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