moderately less depressed

I came to a realization today, i am really proud of it though it took me this long to realize. No one is ever happy, just moderately less depressed, it took quite a bit to realize but its out now and things start to make sense.

1st off i have recently read Watchmen and am currently reading V for Vendetta, am thinking of rereading the prince by Niccolo Machiavelli and a few other books about the evils of humankind, and other things like that.

Its really refreshing, you know? to see someone who is able to just say how awful humans are? that's my new goal, to be like them. i idolize those authors for their understanding of human nature, and their ability to show the world.

We are never happy, never even content, just more or less depressed than we were. I was talking with someone i used to be friends with, she was spassing at me for hurting my ex girlfriend with some texts today because she said some things to my current girlfriend. Anyway, the point of telling you that is that this is what has finally proven to me this truth that i stated, and she was the first person i told, she laughed it off as a bunch of rubbish, that made me smile, how its so obvious to me, how i will finally see when i look.

earlier in the convo she said something about how she would rather hold a grudge forever than move on, and then i realised this one truth, that equals many others, yet is still surpassed.

On a different note 2 good things have happened in my life:
i have finally decided on my religion, I can say i am a deist, someone who believes god created everything, watched for a while, then left to go on to bigger and better things, ro to lase about doing nothing.

The second is during church the other day i finnaly came up with an idea for a story after my recent ideas fissled out and i got bored of them, its going to be about a healer, or a priest if u used gaming terms, in a war, and the woman he loves who is a soldier becomes deathly injured, the healer will give up his life to save her, to bring her back from the brink of death, his body falls to the ground old and withered, and in the background the army officer lets a tear slip as the man he loved gave his life to save the one who he had feelings for. thats right i said he. So he has a conflict in himself to either hate this woman who received his loves life, or care for her as his love would have wanted. in other words guy loves guy who loves girl, guy 2 gives life to save girl, guy 1 doesnt know how to feel.

and somewhere im going to prove that human kind is never happy, that will be the theme, i like it, as long as i dont get bored again i think it will turn out well

Well, life is...

Things are quite interesting in my life right now. Of course nothing can ever be interesting in a good way.

I have a girlfriend whom i love to be around, yet im still a horny teenage guy which i hate myself for.

I can never convince myself that its about time to start looking at colleges, i dont even know what major i want in college before i try to go to duke for law.

I am getting more and more pissy at more and more of my friends, i know one of them at least i have to forgive because she did nothing wrong and i still spased before hearing her side of the story.

I am getting addicted to WoW again, not necessarily a bad thing.

I am sitting at home alone on the weekends again, so thats back to normal, yet its the one thing i wish stayed changed.

I am not paying attention in school anymore, always reeding a book or daydreaming as things just get easier, i suppose i should be happy about that but im just losing all drive to work.

I need to find a job

I need to start working at science olympiad, i already know i didnt make the A team, and i know thats because my afterschool schedule is already too full of other clubs.

I have tryouts for mock trial this week, a club i've been in for 3 years, im competing for the last lawyer spot against a girl who has been in the club for only 2 years, but can any of them remember that? no

Im losing all my drive for everything, why is it worth it. I know this has been happening for a long time now, but its getting to another bad point, idk what else i can take. I cant wait for next summer where i can hang out with chris and ryan and the other people that dont know how messed up i can be, who have never seen me in school, if they are even gonna be at rotary again.

Im not focused, i keep drifting off, and all i did this last weekend was sit in front of my tv and comp playing KH2 trying to complete it, finnaly got ultima weapon. but im not happy, none of it is fulfilling. Idk what else to say, but i need to figure something out before it all comes crashing down around me, before i just drop my little world and sit alone in my house again, only leave for school, come home on the bus everyday, my little world is already slipping...


...and not even the songs i listen to, whether they be from newsies, rent, rocky horror, dr. horrible, repo, bowling for soup, blink 182, hollywood undead, jason mraz, owl city, are capable of helping anymore.


oh and cant forget the current song im relying on Break your bones by Kill paradise its really good, i would recommend listening to it. yet again another song i was shown by tyler, though he doesn't really listen to them much

wow havn't posted in forever

well, this is not something i should be saying at all.

I am jealous of him.

I am happy for her, but i am jealous of him.

I have a girlfriend, and i really care about her, and i always want to be around her, but i cant help but be jealous of him for having her.

oh well, and now i just hope people ignore this and i dont take shit for it getting to the wrong ears